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ADVICE
A snake will not ever grow legs and learn how to walk. A leopard could, in theory camouflage its spots with cosmetics, but the spots will still be there.
Abusers all work from the same "handbook." There is a documented "Cycle of Abuse". There is the Honeymoon (I'm sorry, it will never happen again, I love you), the Tension, and the Explosion. The Honeymoons will continue to become shorter as time goes on.
Abusers learn to control by annhilating their partner's self-esteem (you are fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, unloveable, lucky to have me, no one would want you, etc, etc). That is generally their means of control.
Eventually, largely thru the help of friends, the abused gets the strength to say, I am valuable and you are full of shit. So he might grab and bruise her arm or bitch slap her, until she gets used to and numb to that.
Domestic Violence is an escalating disease! Your friend needs to get out, and she needs to get some counseling, because he will be back. DV is very frustrating because the victims love their abusers and they are usually codependent, and they almost always try to protect them because they love them and also because they have learned to devalue themselves.
You remember the Rocky flick where Rocky's face was completely swollen shut and he was shouting "Adrianne!" Well, I saw a woman whose husband had made her look like that, and then she wandered around in 20 degree weather for 2 or three hours clad only in a t-shirt.
Her responsse when asked who did that to her, "My husband, but he was angry with me. He is a really nice guy!
Another young lady, 7 months pregnant, child's father body slams this woman onto the hood of a car. She says, "...and I didn't even do anything to deserve it this time" as if any other beatings she has gotten she "deserved".
It is a tricky position, but you need to support your friend without criticizing her abuser. You need to help her to reestablish her self-esteem. If you criticize him, she will defend him, and or will be embarassed to come to you for an ear when he does it again. Besides loving her, planting seeds and trying to help her love herself and recognize her value, about all you can do now is be there for her, as frustrating as that is.
I will be praying for the situation.
posted by
WHAMENATOR
on May 6, 2004 at 11:20 PM
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Thank you all!
I am trying to get her to leave him. Her parents are doing the same. I wish I knew better how to convince her.
posted by
Jemmie211
on May 5, 2004 at 1:25 PM
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KIDNYKID
I don't mind at all.
posted by
Jemmie211
on May 5, 2004 at 1:24 PM
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I hope you don't mind ...
if I link to this post. You have already disguised the names of your friend and her children, so they won't be known to my audience.
posted by
kidnykid
on May 5, 2004 at 11:58 AM
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Hi
Please stay encourage her to stay away from him forever..........please keep her away, don't let one more chance, she doesn't know now what she's facing, please save her.....
posted by
Star5_
on May 5, 2004 at 11:26 AM
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For her children's sake if not hers
she needs to go into hiding from that man. PERIOD. This is a really horrible headline in the making.
posted by
CatLadyintheAttic
on May 5, 2004 at 11:22 AM
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Jemmie....
give her my e-mail address and tell her she
needs to talk to me. Reading that e-mail exchange was like walking back five years into the middle of my marriage. I'm not just worried for your friend, I'm
scared! This man is dangerous. If your friend feels funny just e-mailing me out of the blue, at least let her read my blogs about my marriage. She needs to know that these problems are only going to get worse. Until one day, he hurts her, or one of the kids. Have her call Dr. Laura, or read Dr. Laura's books. Dr. Laura opened my eyes about a hell of a lot about myself, including the fact that the feelings I had (post-divorce) for my ex were not love, but a sick sort of co-dependence. I will be praying for your friend. She's walking a tough road, and, having walked it myself, I know how she's feeling.
posted by
editormum
on May 5, 2004 at 7:32 AM
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Yo Sis,
Since it's so damn late here in Florida (I've been up typing up a bunch of crap for my boss at home) I printed out this entire blog to read at work tomorrow (actually, literally later today!!) and I'll come home and give you feedback. Just don't have time to read it right now as I MUST get my ass to bed!!
posted by
SpitFire70
on May 5, 2004 at 1:08 AM
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