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jems, sadly, I had to run away and hide from a friend whose life ripped me
into tiny bleeding pieces each time she sat and listed her problems, which were, are enormous. I have little contact with her and when I do see her, every five years or so, I try to just be myself and let her be herself and not mention her horrendous circumstances. But, I can only love her in person in tiny controlled doses.
We met over 30 years ago, were closer than sisters for twenty years and then she moved out of town and I just let her contact info go.....it has allowed me to keep loving her. Because I love her, when she is kissing me good-bye after a short visit, I tell her what my true thoughts are about whether I will see her alive again and then hug her again and let her go......she chooses not to save herself, I choose not to get so close to her agony anymore. Self defense and all that.
posted by
benzinha
on May 8, 2004 at 1:28 AM
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Jemmie
It is an honour to know you on here, I can truly appreciate you, what a wonderful loving friend you are. 
You know I am sure, that your lady friend needs to talk with a psychotherapist, and in those talks and meetings, she will discover why she feels the need, to be abused.
I am not a professional anything, just a recovering alcoholic,(36 years sober)but I have lived a lot of life, talked with a psychotherapist for about 25 years now, she and I have become friends.
Almost like mother and son(don't tell her I said that alright?) She took me all the way back to childhood and re-raised me. Of course she's an American
Bless ya for being the friend you are
posted by
WileyJohn
on May 7, 2004 at 11:26 AM
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You are not selfish, you are just finding her situation
hard to handle. Hang in there.
posted by
Runs_at_dawn
on May 7, 2004 at 8:05 AM
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You can help her by being there for her.....
and by making her make choices. When you are deciding where you want to go, you don't offer the merest hint of a suggestion. You say, "Where would you like to eat?" When she says "I dunno. Where do you want to go?" you reply, "No, where do you want to eat?" And you keep it up until (a) one or both of you passes out from starvation, or (b) she makes a choice. When she makes a choice, go along with it, without showing any signs of disappointment or disgust. In fact, act as enthusiastic as you can, with lots of "what a great idea" type stuff, if you can be sincere about it. Insincerity sticks out like a flamingo among penguins.
I had a friend who dared to do this with me, and after my initial irritation wore off, I love her dearly for it. She gave me the courage and the freedom to make choices, which my ex husband had not done. He wasn't as controlling as the men you are describing, but he came close.
Also, suggest that she read the book Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office by Lois Frankel, along with Dr. Laura's book 10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives. While Nice Girls... is written for women who want to advance their careers, it's full of good, sound advice for learning to be a woman instead of a little girl. We women are conditioned to act like little girls to get what we want, and it's counterproductive in many cases, as we end up acting---and being treated---like children.
posted by
editormum
on May 7, 2004 at 7:22 AM
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Jemmie, you're far from selfish, my friend.
Your friend, bless her heart, is the only one who can make herself happy. You can't do it. No one else can bring her joy, but her.
Being a friend can give her strength while she builds a new life, if that's what she wants. Ultimately, the only person that can turn her life around is HER.
She's right about one thing--you are beautiful.
posted by
msaries
on May 7, 2004 at 4:32 AM
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