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Quirky you are great... wish I were not in the dark about the banned blogger.. nevertheless offended me a bit.
as you said it - helped me in the end too because I made it positive and also right about the 100 great bloggers for every 1 bad
posted by
EccentricShock
on July 30, 2004 at 5:10 PM
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hello quirky.
posted by
Star5_
on July 30, 2004 at 12:21 PM
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Having moved a number of times in childhood, I can tell you it is *not* a traumatic experience. One town is much like another just with different people. Putting the kids in the car and driving to another state costs a tank of gas, maybe two. The expensive part of moving is taking stuff with you. The more you leave behind, the cheaper it is.
Every town has jobs that are always available - it wouldn't be hard to get another low paying job in a town that doesn't know your name - especially if you moved to a city. Nobody asks why you moved to a city.
--T99
posted by
Tamara99
on July 28, 2004 at 2:28 PM
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Belle, excellent! If you write it, I will read it!!
posted by
Julia.
on July 28, 2004 at 7:56 AM
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T99, my mom was trying to raise 4 kids by herself, and we had
very little money. Where would we go? Would we really have fared any better emotionally, uprooted and plunked down in another state? And maybe she didn't feel "running away" was the best choice, or maybe she had no idea what my life was like, as I kept everything inside. She did the best she could with what she had. And don't forget she had her own intense pain to deal with, that of losing her son, and dealing with the fact that he was a murderer.
posted by
Julia.
on July 28, 2004 at 7:55 AM
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Quirky
It may have inspired my next post too
posted by
beachbelle
on July 28, 2004 at 5:30 AM
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I meant your family. Why did your family stay in that town knowing you all would be pariahs? They should have protected you and didn't. Why not?
--T99
posted by
Tamara99
on July 27, 2004 at 11:12 PM
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Quirky,
Yes, mommy. Just love and peace and no fighting. I promise I'll be a good little shadow.
posted by
Keshet
on July 27, 2004 at 8:42 PM
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shadow, sorry, no fighting...just peace, love and understanding in Q's blog
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 8:40 PM
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evangeline, you probably need to read the earlier posts to make more sense
out of it. But just to be quick, the only one who has answers is dead, I have moved away, it was 30 years ago, and no, there is no mental illness in my family, and I'm not having kids. Thank you for commenting.
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 8:39 PM
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curly, I just sent you an email re: your last comment.
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 8:36 PM
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Not even a little hair pulling? What about a screaming match? You don't really have to fight, just pretend. LOL shadow
posted by
Keshet
on July 27, 2004 at 8:33 PM
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But, I wanted to learn how to do battle. sniffle, sniffle. heehee shadow
posted by
Keshet
on July 27, 2004 at 8:31 PM
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harveyg, thanks. That's a pretty accurate way to describe it.
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 8:30 PM
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shadow, no battle, just playful banter betweeen two crazy chicks.
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 8:29 PM
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also, write all the dark thoughts
get it out; make it into fiction; write dark stories.....there walks great writers as opposed to amusing ones.
posted by
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
on July 27, 2004 at 8:22 PM
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need to find out why
I think you need to find out what was behind his crime. Was it insanity? A vendetta? Sometimes it is easier to get handle on a tragedy if you can put it in its own perspective. And...you need to move, get away, meet someone who understands. Your brother has nothing to do with you. People are are cruel. However, you do need to be aware if mental illness runs in your family. I know that sounds harsh, but...you are okay, obviously. If there is a pattern, you might want to adopt? My husband would not have children because mental illness ran in his family, as well as autism.
posted by
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
on July 27, 2004 at 8:21 PM
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Quirk
Check your e-mail.
posted by
Talion
on July 27, 2004 at 8:13 PM
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Okay, Quirky......
I usually keep my writing on the light side. When I was younger, my writing was extremely dark and on the morbid side. I think I will take your advice, however, and expound on my previous comment. It will be an interesting delve into my psyche, and who knows what will surface. I, for one, have blocked certain things. I cannot remember portions of my childhood at all. They are a complete blank. A memory wipe. Like someone hit the delete button. I think it is a merciful thing.
posted by
Curly-Jo
on July 27, 2004 at 8:10 PM
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Quirky,
Your life sounds like it was a real Hell -- especially as a teenager!
So sorry you went through that (and are still effected by it.)
posted by
HarveyG
on July 27, 2004 at 8:07 PM
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All right you two. If there's going to be a battle, I want front role seating. LOL shadow
posted by
Keshet
on July 27, 2004 at 8:05 PM
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H, if you are confused, I hardly think you can blame ME now, can you???
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 8:02 PM
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Stop confusing me!!
posted by
helene
on July 27, 2004 at 8:00 PM
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helene, well if you say so...then yes to both counts.
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 7:50 PM
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no tease... you are the poopmaster queen goddess!!
I'm quite sure you missed me.
posted by
helene
on July 27, 2004 at 7:40 PM
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kelli, I like your feisty attitude. Will you come and kick my
unwelcome imprints in the arse for me?
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 7:39 PM
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helene, do not tease your little poopykins, that would be cruel.
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 7:38 PM
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T99, I DID move, the day after my high school graduation.
But alas, you can never outrun your secrets as they live with you.
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 7:36 PM
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Possum, thank you for your many comments. It is a lot to digest
right now, but I think one day I may "get" all that you have said.
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 7:34 PM
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i HAVE HAD many unwelcome imprints
and as of yet, they have not gone away. I forget about them from time to time, but always, they come back to haunt me. I,, personally, do not feel you can rid yourself of them. I feel that you must ACCEPT them, and when they resurrect themselves inside your mind, you can reason that "of course, I'm going to remember this every now and again, but it is only a memory, and I have accepted it, and refuse to kick myself in the ass everytime an unwanted imprint pops up.
posted by
Kelli
on July 27, 2004 at 7:31 PM
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Well,
I think everything stays with us. Sometimes, some things may fade, but it's always there... I guess that could be good or bad.
Miss u, poopyhead! I'm here for real this time : )
posted by
helene
on July 27, 2004 at 7:25 PM
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Well, qwertyui beat me to my own answer. That's exactly what I was going
to say, but qwertyui once said we were twins in parallel universes. Go figure that out since he's a die-hard atheist and I'm his opposite.
posted by
Ariala
on July 27, 2004 at 6:26 PM
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Quirk,
Hey, did you get my e-mail earlier? Just checking because having trouble with system. shadow
posted by
Keshet
on July 27, 2004 at 6:16 PM
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Why didn't you move??
posted by
Tamara99
on July 27, 2004 at 5:56 PM
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katray, wonderful thoughts to think about. Thank you.
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 5:49 PM
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Quirks, may I respond to your query on two levels:
a) No. The nervous system, at the rational level operates like an enormous computer where all thoughts that have come to pass thorough senses and our conclusions and beliefs are stored for retrieval. This computer enables us to think 'rationally'; it's conclusions and decisions are always correct relative to what information it has itside it. Call this mind, heart, spirit, soul, or a unity thereof; and it will always be correct in it's thinking. And you cannot erase what's in it. If it has 'negative thoughts' in it, they can be offset by positive thoughts. If it has erroneous data, those can be replaced by more accurate and timely data. Therefore, if we have been misinformed in the past, that misinformation would be corrected by accurate information. If we have been overwhelmed by negative emotions, those too can be offset by positive emotions. Exposure, and counterexposure are the dynamic forces that govern the 'rational' being, that enables it to change as and when required and the 'thoughts' provide the 'correct' responses. So, whatever burdens you about the past, cannot be erased, but can be offset and a new mindset to rule. Your brother, you and others around you may have been 'hurt' by your father's abandonment. If you dig deeper, you may find out that your father himself may also have been a victim. The external 'suppressors' continue to attack your data. A different understanding of your father and brother can have dramatic effect upon your own psyche.
b) Yes. Whether you believe this or not, there is another ' mind'. Some call it the sub-conscious. Carl Jung even had a third, the universal unconscious. But this response limits itself to the second 'mind'. The su-conscious, is not rational. It is an independent mind that over-rules the 'rational' mind. How else can we account for irrational behaviour? The rational mind never makes errors based on it's data. The sub-conscious may have data that the 'rational or conscious mind' does not. These are called 'engrams'. Thoughts that entered the mind without the filters of the rational or conscious mind. These may be information or received while 'unconscious' i.e. asleep, not paying attention, under hypnosis. The 'sub-conscious mind' reacts or responds to stimuli not known to the 'rational or conscious mind'. Is this all baloney? Read Carl Jung, L R.. Hubbard on Dianetics, texts on modern psychiatry and psychology. Can thoughts at this level be erased? Yes.
The mind is a frontier that continues to be explored. It defines our humanity. We continue to discover its mysteries and powers. There are things it can and cannot do. But it is our most valuable tool yet to discover our own paths to happiness.
posted by
Possum
on July 27, 2004 at 5:24 PM
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Fascinating and powerful
So much insight and wisdom in this post. And what deep comments. All I know to add is my experience with early, devastating trauma is lightened and made bearable by love - from a higher being and those who surround me in the flesh and spirit. Positive, peaceful thoughts your way.
posted by
Katray2
on July 27, 2004 at 4:46 PM
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Quirk,
Sweet sister. 
shadow
posted by
Keshet
on July 27, 2004 at 4:18 PM
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shadow, all points well taken. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and your
experience, and I am sorry that happened to you. Certain words are triggers for me as well, I just happened upon a post that said "Haphazard planning's a killer," and immediately it reminded me that every time I heard that word (back then it was used like "cool", as in..."killer!") I would die a little more.
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 4:01 PM
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Quirky,
Whenever I heard the word squaw, I cringe. I was never much at school due to the dog shows, but every year I was forced to go at least a couple of months because my parents felt it was necessary. Early the kids learned I was Indian. I was strange anyway to them because I was only there for a little while. So I never made friends per say. They all called me squaw. It was the same group year after year. Even some of the teachers called me that because they thought it was a nickname I liked. When I was sixteen one of the boys invited me out on a date. Like a fool I went. We went through the McDonalds drive thru. He bought me a happy meal and parked behind back and preceeded to rape me. Why, I was a squaw. Not worth anymore. A dirty Indian.
No, its not as bad as what happened to you. No one died. Point is mental scars never leave us sweetie, we can learn to accept and live with them. Maybe with the right people who love us, forget the memories, but they never leave. Keep close those who love you and bask in their sunshine of love because love can drive back demons if you only open your heart and love back. shadow
posted by
Keshet
on July 27, 2004 at 3:51 PM
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belle, thank you for you insights...you have inspired my next post!!
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 3:31 PM
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qwerty, so there's hope after all?? Actually I need HELP because although I
understand what you are saying and in theory it makes sense...I cannot see how to do this based upon my experience.
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 3:29 PM
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quirky. I am so pleased your writing is at the top of the Blogit tree
I believe the imprints can't be wished away but you learn to live with them. Even though that young girl is always within in most ways you are another person. Although most of us don't have to endure the stigma that you did each of us have experiences from our youth that we would wish away. Most of us are fortunate enough that they are not so huge that we can get away with wishing them away and yet retain our sanity.
posted by
beachbelle
on July 27, 2004 at 1:10 PM
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I'll get this one for Ariala
To change an automatic, irrational reaction, you have to do what put it there in the first place, namely conditioning. Conditioning later it seems, takes longer than conditioning whilst young.
posted by
qwertyui
on July 27, 2004 at 1:05 PM
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Ariala, thanks. I'm not sure it can. For instance, how can I
change my irrational, illogical reaction to people whispering so that I no longer automatically have the thought that they are whispering about me?? I certainly don't logically think they are, the reaction is automatic. How would you change an automatic, irratiional reaction??
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 11:28 AM
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Quirky, I think the imprints remain, but our reactions to them can change.
Good writing, as always.
posted by
Ariala
on July 27, 2004 at 11:17 AM
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Curly, what a truly amazing comment! You should definitely write a post
and expound on that!
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 10:25 AM
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Trauma
I couldn't understand why, in early life, I cried every day. I didn't know why there was no safe place. I didn't know why I couldn't find a dark place to hide. All I knew was the corner I lived in. As I grew, the steps appeared. Steps to climb out of the deep, dark corner and emerge into light. The Almighty provided them, and I had to take them.
posted by
Curly-Jo
on July 27, 2004 at 8:47 AM
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Thank you Scriber, you are very sweet.
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 8:42 AM
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RachelAnna, I could not have said it better, thanks so much
for your comment!
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 8:41 AM
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Hannah, they already have...thanks!
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 8:39 AM
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Quirk, very moving and traumatic writing. Hope it helps to lay your burden
down. love Scriber
posted by
scriber
on July 27, 2004 at 8:38 AM
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No, I don't think they can.
I think all we can do is become better, stronger, more compassionate, empathetic, and sympathetic to others as a result of those unwelcome imprints you write of. The events surrounding your brothers tragic life and death have
undoubtedly left an indelible imprint on your life and your soul, and it can be used as your inspiration to see that you become a better person, and help those around you become the best people they can be. I have no doubt that you have suffered much more than you should have in this life, but don't let it weigh you down and destroy you, instead let it be the power source for greatness.
posted by
RachelAnna
on July 27, 2004 at 8:35 AM
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May these first steps
give you at least intimations of peace.
posted by
Hannah_B
on July 27, 2004 at 8:31 AM
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qwerty, I know, I've seen you in action in the back alleys of Blogitville..
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 8:29 AM
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Wiley, I would NEVER give you looks of derision for talking about
something that was important to you, and that you needed and wanted to talk about. Shame on them. But I understand thinking that it's best to keep quiet. I did that for thirty years. Thanks for the luv, you are very sweet.
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 8:28 AM
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You're welcome.
Levity is my speciality.
posted by
qwertyui
on July 27, 2004 at 8:26 AM
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qwerty, re: your first part, I think I'm gonna get there before 50 years.
And the second part: well, Martha wasn't around back then, but thanks for adding levity.
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 8:25 AM
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QuirkyAlone
I have discovered that to leave behind events in another life of mine, (a paedophile/female assaulter/ father-in-law and a Catholic priest that took over my first wife and home) that writing about it helped a lot, but talking about it just got me looks of derision.
Events have changed my life forever, and living alone has helped immensely I have found.
My heart goes out to you girl, luv
posted by
WileyJohn
on July 27, 2004 at 8:23 AM
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melodystar, I don't have an answer, either, but writing it down is
the first step, I believe. Thanks for commenting.
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 8:22 AM
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man-boy, you DO have "arms" to enfold a suffering world, they are
called thoughts, and all people feel them. And since I know you think them, based upon what you have said to me, then...that is adding light to the world. Blessings to you, my cyber-friend.
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 8:21 AM
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Kay, it's a thought worth thinking about. I guess the first step
is to write it all down, and then see what happens. That's my approach and I'm sticking to it!!
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 8:19 AM
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Gut reactions
can only be lessened with much vigilance and time. Perhaps you'll decide it isn't worth the time. Perhaps you won't HAVE the time. Or maybe, after roughly fifty years, you'll finally manage to be at peace with yourself.
Maybe your brother just wanted to make fancy popsickles for the neighborhood kids. You know. Finger pops. He probably saw Martha Stewart or something, and thought that he should do some home-making in a sort of serial killer (mass murderer?) sort of way.
posted by
qwertyui
on July 27, 2004 at 8:14 AM
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Its a release I think to write about it. I am not sure how we can change them, but I hope you can. Take care.
posted by
Melodystar
on July 27, 2004 at 8:13 AM
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I am here.
It is important for you to say these things. I wish I had arms to enfold the suffering world and give it a moment of safety and a memory of love.
posted by
man-boy
on July 27, 2004 at 8:10 AM
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Since the event that changed my life when I was 18, I have been trying to write about it. I have always believed that I would write complete story of my first life, and then I'd be free of it. Kind of like I believed "Flowers in the Attic" was. Perhaps once our stories have been told and are out there in book form we'll be free of them.
posted by
Kay-Ren
on July 27, 2004 at 8:08 AM
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