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You look fabulous
I'm not on your block list anymore? I remember the first comment you made to me a while back said I was 'cause of my having an MA blog. That's why I haven't commented on any of your blogs. I figured I was blocked still. (Not to worry--I wasn't offended at being blocked in the first place. I can understand why you'd do that with all MA blog folk.)
posted by
Jemmie211
on October 19, 2004 at 11:27 AM
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Yes, I think you can be better using your own judgement with the medication. You're the one who can feel what's going on with your body. Take care, and you can always e-mail me if you get the need to contact someone immediately to chat - I'm on the computer a lot.
posted by
TARZANA
on October 19, 2004 at 11:24 AM
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you look fabulous
Thank you so much. Your understanding is exactly what my heart needs right now--from everyone.
I'm not going to take the Wellbutrin--not after the violent reaction I had to it the last time. And I've stopped the Valium--though that did help me to get to sleep on bad nights.
Right now I'll just try to take Lexapro for my clinical depression and try to deal with my loss on my own, in my own way, and in my own time.
posted by
Jemmie211
on October 19, 2004 at 11:15 AM
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Jemmie, listen to me. Doctors are not God. You are still in the very early stages of grief, and if your doctor is pressuring you to be normal, then he's not understanding you sympathetically. If your drugs are too strong, take fewer of them, or insist your doctor give you something mild. I've been through the doctor, mourning, medication mess, and I don't react well to drugs either. It's OK for you to be upset for a good while. It's your heart, and nobody else can tell you how to feel. Why does the doctor want to kill your emotions anyway? I don't trust overreactions to a person in mourning. You're going to be fine.
posted by
TARZANA
on October 19, 2004 at 9:25 AM
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jemmie
i understand how it feels -- love does hurt. i've got a great family, two girls, and it still hurts sometimes...your loss is incalculable and will take a long time -- meds or not. don't push yourself but don't stay stuck either. lots of people here clearly love you. tg
posted by
tbgroucho
on October 18, 2004 at 6:34 AM
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Oh, Jems, I know how annoying shrinks can be and how often
it seems as if they're not listening to us. But, try the Wellbutrin again. I'm on it (God, SOOO much better than the friggin' Zoloft) and it's better than nothing for some of us. If not, maybe he can try something else. If you feel in your gut that it is the wrong decision, TELL HIM SO! Otherwise, go to someone else. Much love to you, my friend.
posted by
SpitFire70
on October 17, 2004 at 11:33 PM
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Gotta Love Them Psychiatrists...
...they do believe in their chemicals.
I've been on psychotropics for years now. Finally quit playing games. My mother was a very sick bipolar who went psychotic several times during my upbringing. So very sad.
Your grandmother's, "nervous breakdowns," sound suspicious to me, but any sort of mental illness requiring long term, and/or high doses of psychotropics is generally carried in a recessive gene...from your Mom's side of the family. Given that your Mom seems to be in dire straits (perhaps due to self-medication using alcohol), I think your psychiatrist is putting things together in the time he has been alotted.
Valium or benzos of any kind are not necessary. Grief is grief. If the grief is intense or FEELS like death, then childhood trauma is getting pushed up by the stress of all the grief. If, indeed, childhood trauma is getting hooked, take heed to some of my experience. Use what you can and leave the rest.
Psychiatrists do not know how to heal trauma. They only know how to medicate, thereby suppress, its symptoms. But this is like giving anesthetic to a person who has a broken leg...they will keep walking on it, making the injury worse and worse over time. The pain is a necessary part of the healing process. Provided that that pain does NOT send you into days and days of suicidal ideation. A temporary low dose of meds to get you past the emotional hurricane could be helpful.
Psychiatrists do NOT, typically, avail themselves to phone calls during the day or the middle of the night. Healing trauma, especially childhood trauma, requires more availability than a psychiatrist is willing to put forward. Psychotherapists with a specialty in healing childhood trauma (if they don't know what Traumatology is (it's an online journal for psychotherapists), they aren't paying attention. Don't pay to have any more trauma done to you.
It took me a couple of weeks to get over my mother's passing. I wasn't completely dysfunctional after her funeral (she was buried in Merced, BTW), but I was not full of jouie de vivre, either. And that was WITH meds in my body 24/7.
So here's something useful: if the feelings are INTENSE, you can count on the fact that the feelings are related to unhealed childhood wounds. Children feel things VERY intensely because, by nature, everything a vulnerable child could experience would be potentially life threatening. Hence the linkage between intense emotional storms and feeling that fear of death thing going on. Drill down into these feelings using your journalling as a tool. This will build your self esteem over time as well as allowing you to get clear about whom you are to yourself.
Finally, I wanted to share some my beliefs with you that helped me get through my mother's passing. She had been in a state of mental decline for most of my life, so there just wasn't a stable personality that I could sense was about me after her death. The same was not true when, several years before, my father's mother had passed. Her personal expression and traces of her personality manifested themselves in unmistakeable, miraculous ways after her death. So I was concered for my mother's soul when I could not feel her after her death.
Physical life is not the real thing. What is real is what goes on behind our eyes that learns but remains calm and unmoved by what appears to go on around us in the world of our senses. It is this consciousness that links us all together and it is this consciousness that we all share in. Your father is still in this consciousness just as you and I are. Ask the universe to show you a personal sign that your Daddy is still around and still watching over you and see what happens. I think you will be truly surprised and relieved.
We can let go of the idea of a body once we realize that everything we ever valued about a person was the way they manifested INSIDE of US in the first place. The more open you are to this belief, the more little coinky-dinks and miracles will reveal themselves to you. The more sacred your whole life experience becomes, the easier it is to have faith that all will be well no matter what.
The spiritual life is no longer a theory for me...I must live it daily or I do not feel connected to my own life. That feeling of aloneness and apartness comes from believing that only a body can satisfy our need for connection to ourselves. The problem with this POV is that bodies come and go, but the problem of having self esteem stays with us. Self esteem is not a feeling, it is a choice. Sometimes a moment by moment choice, to maintain a reputation of integrity WITH OURSELVES.
There is only one source of self esteem that can never be taken away and that is the source that comes from one's relationship with spirit. It is this source that kept Christopher Reeve alive and it is this spirit that moved him to do the things he did in the time he was given. Had you seen him, as I did, perform in the play, "Love Letters," in San Francisco before his accident, you would have felt that very strong presence of spirit. It is beautifully soft like water, but powerfully present in anyone who acknowledges it. It is like an elephant's call ... a low-level frequency noise that travels for miles undetected.
There is always a solution, so there is always hope. Part of what makes hope so easy is the awakening to the knowledge that there is only ONE basic problem...this feeling of apartness, of disconnectedness, with one's Creator that I think you mentioned in one of your writings.
Take care, be patient, and goddess bless....
posted by
Volaar
on October 16, 2004 at 9:46 PM
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Jem
I know that you are hit with a barage of feeling right now and also a barage of great comments and advice. You neked to really do the research on medication before you take them, especially in the class that Wellbutrin is in; the side effects are enormous. Maybe you should check into natural remedies first and do things positive for youself.
Love you
posted by
PastorB
on October 15, 2004 at 9:49 PM
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Jemmie
Do the Wellbutrin girl, listen to doc, I was on it, got off it, life got even worse, have been back on it for quite a few months now, and it does help. Prayin' for ya luv. So is your dad sweetie.
posted by
WileyJohn
on October 15, 2004 at 9:35 PM
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I didn't need to go back far. Jemmie my heart is
| breaking for you right now. The first thing that popped into my head was " this daddy is one of the reasons Jemmie is such a cool person." Wherever your Dad is now you need to know that his love for you does not die with him. It carries on. Forever. A girl and her daddy are forever. |
| |
posted by
man-boy
on October 14, 2004 at 8:23 PM
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Hey Jem.
It's tough to be in such a funk as winter approaches. But having your animals must help a lot. My cat and I are bonded and she pretty much always comes to investigate when her name is called. Something interesting always follows.
Cats are not the snobs some people portray them.
Having your animals must be a great help for you. I want a dog. I would like to raise a kitten and a pup together. If cats and dogs can live together maybe men and women can too.
I haven't had time to read your latest posts but I will.
For now please be careful with the tranks. I'm sure you know that they can take us to some very scary places. I always took more than the prescribed amount. Always. I was lucky to never become dependant on benzo's. A Doctor in Brandon handed valium and librium out by the bucketful. Tell him you were trying to kick the booze habit but you'd been hired to work a with remote track repair crew and he'd write a scrip for three months. Fillable now.
How long do you think that job lasted? Hang in there Jemmie. Cuddle up with your buddies.
posted by
man-boy
on October 14, 2004 at 8:12 PM
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Jem -
posted by
Hollee
on October 14, 2004 at 7:49 PM
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If we do not love and we do not take chances
we will end up bitter and angry people. One of my favorite sayings is:
Everything happens for a reason, we may not understand it at the time but if you have faith one day you will.
I have never been one to have to talk to a therapist of shrink, I have always been able to rely on my faith, family and friends even after losing my daughter and my grandmother and grandfather that was truly my soul mate if such a thing exist. You must allow yourself time to grieve but you also must continue to live and enjoy life like those that have gone before you would want you to do. The worst thing that your dad would want is to see you hurting. No parent wants to see their child hurting. I'm sure that your dad was that type of parent. Keep the faith, with that said it is ok to be angry at God he understands your grief and it is part of the healing process. I hope that you will soon find peace.
posted by
StrickGold
on October 14, 2004 at 6:57 PM
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I am so sorry for your loss and your grief
I have never had someone so close leave like that. A cousin I loved a lot died of cancer some years ago but a parent is a million times worse, I imagine. I hope your psychiatrist can help you.
posted by
Runs_at_dawn
on October 14, 2004 at 8:06 AM
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I reckon you should try the walk or something similar.
About two weeks after my father died I went with some friends to a big weekend party. It feels strange at first doing normal stuff but it is the only way. The grief will still be there so you might as well do stuff.
I have always done that at the worst of times. The first step is the hardest.
posted by
beachbelle
on October 13, 2004 at 5:47 PM
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Hi Jemm
I just wanted you to know I am reading your posts. I wish I could do more for you. Take care of your self honey.
posted by
Laroux
on October 13, 2004 at 5:34 PM
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my sweet friend
my heart aches so much for you and your loss. Healing takes time and it takes more than drugs. I can not help but cry for you. I know a loss is so hard to endure and it seems the pain will never end, but it will. I think maybe something that might help you, is for you to help others. Get yourself out of "you" for a while.
BTW, wellbutrin put me in the hospital for 4 days once! Nasty stuff.
posted by
PastorB
on October 13, 2004 at 5:10 PM
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