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To answer your questions,
Since you recognize it in others, are you able to translate it into your own life? Sometimes yes, sometimes no and sometimes I don't think about it. I try to look at others' unfortunate situations and remember how much worse my own life or current situation could actually be; but it's not. I find myself a little more grateful for the things I do have rather than what I don't.
Were you always like that or did you sort of evolve into it? I've often been told the same thing you have about being strong. I've been compared to a rock and have actually been called upon for advice and/or answers from people that after I gave it to them, I have modestly asked, "I'm just curious as to why you called
me for help on this," because I could think of many others that I assumed would be much more qualified. As far as evolving into it, yes. I did. But, I do think some of us just have "it" in our personalities.
Do you think it's something that can be taught, or are people just like this or not like this? Both. We're all born with natural strengths that others may not have. Then again, others have natural strengths or talents that we don't posess. We can all learn to strengthen them if we choose to. Like you were saying about your ex, he never experienced any trying times growing up. It's the same thing when I saw many of my friends growing up that didn't have jobs after school or even in the summer. They usually didn't have chores in the house to do and were basically handed everything to them on a silver platter. My mom demanded all my chores getting done and I worked all throughout high school. I hated it at the time, of course, but later in life, I thanked her for it. It taught me responsibility. If someone comes to one's rescue and solves one's problems for them all the time, that person naturally "learns" that someone will always take care of them. Then, when their rescuers are gone and trouble arises, they're like a lost puppy in a rainstorm.
posted by
SpitFire70
on July 11, 2005 at 5:23 PM
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Mark2556
I sooo hope your beyond the promise ring stage. I think I jumped right over it, so now I feel cheated. It's a promise that someone is going to give you an enagement ring. Sort of Friends WITHOUT benefits if you ask me. And you're shaking your head with a "okay what's the point of that" I know. Me, too. I guess it's nice when you're 12 or something. I'D like adults who promise me things to follow through, so I'm not sure I'd put much faith in a 12-year-old guy promising to promise anything.
And as I write that, I know I HAVE that son who would do that. He's 16, and just celebrated 1 year dating the same girl---a state trooper's daughter. On the 11th-month anniversary (yes, he celebrated each one), he left her a bag of mints that had 365 in them, but he picked out 31. I told him there is no way in the world that girl thought that through. I would have just eaten the mints. Who counts mints? He took all that time to think that through.
posted by
terpgirl30
on July 11, 2005 at 12:52 PM
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Yes, exactly.
What's a promise ring?
posted by
mark2556
on July 11, 2005 at 2:49 AM
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Yes, it is interesting...people react to the
same situation completely differently as well.
posted by
Julia.
on July 10, 2005 at 9:00 PM
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You will, MayB
I've seen your writing. You are introspective and insightful. When you put the skills together with the memories of life experience, you will soar.
I like that you are taking time to go camping and pull back from it all. I think that is part of evolving as a writer, too. You have the other things, and the trauma that you've overcome. The rest time and time to "smell the roses" will certainly color your writing. You definitely use each thing as a learning experience, which I always take note of for myself. Always know that when you are doing something (and not doing something), others learn from it as well.
This writing thing is an evolving thing, a compounding thing. The day you stop figuring out little tricks to jog you along or worrying about "learning" from your life experiences, then I think you are lost. As long as you are questioning/wondering, you will be fine.
Kim
posted by
terpgirl30
on July 10, 2005 at 7:17 PM
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It is interesting how difficulties drive some people. I must say that when I had a cancer diagnosis I suddenly became more driven to succeed than before. Now that I am OK I must try to recapture that energy.
Sadly many people uses trivial problems as an excuse not to try harder
posted by
Azur
on July 10, 2005 at 6:29 PM
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Spitfire
Exactly. I come off like a choir girl when people meet me which makes me giggle. They think I'm a goodie two shoes type. I went to Catholic School, and I can't tell you the aggravation people gave me and how much I was made fun of because I was quiet. Well, a LOT was going on in my house, and it wasn't the kind of stuff you could just talk about, so I didn't. Okay, flash forward. Another round of huge things. And again, and again. I keep having people tell me how strong I am. I'm often told, "you are the strongest woman I know." It baffles me, so I'm really curious for your opinion on this.
EVERYONE has something. I was married for 21 years (met the guy at 16, no less). I should have known eventually it would fall apart. This guy had never had a little knock in his life. He's 48 years old and still has all 4 grandparents alive! My kids have 4 great grandparents, and my daughter is 21! Well, something huge happened with the ex's family, and he totally broke down. He hadn't had those little knocks along the way that build character and tolerance in us all (aunt dying, family financial problems, etc.), so when something really horrible happened, he had no idea that strength comes from within and you make your own destiny.
We were living in a very elite section of town, kids in private school, house built and paid for with cash, paid for cars, etc. Then he had a financial crisis that led to a criminal trial in his family. Well, I've had money, no money, money again...and I expect it will change several times again before I die. He started reeling like a crazy person. He ranted and screamed and cursed all the time. (He was a right wing fundamentalist just before all this happened. I always say you can really tell how "good" a person is when it all hits the fan. ANYONE can be good when life is going swell, right?) I tried to tell him that we had game night on Fridays (cost=nothing), and generally our favorite thing was watching movies and hanging with friends-----a few bags of chips and something to drink. Spending time with your friends is free for the most part. The point---our lives weren't going to change that much in terms of what makes you happy. Okay, that vacation would be put off, but we lived in a place most people would consider a vacation property. We were really blessed. It was idyllic---but since he'd never seen the other side, he had no idea. In the end he was talking about what his "birthright" was. (Yeah, I can hear you giggling there.)
But he had NO idea that happiness has nothing to do with that external stuff, and that no matter how tough it gets, if you hang on your family and friends, you will get through, and then you'll help them through their stuff. He had a total breakdown.
You can't teach people this kind of thing. You have the right idea, and I've always taken what you're saying for granted until recently. I just figured most people got it. But they don't, do they? And don't you find that sort of sad. It's a lot of pressure on getting something ELSE to make you happy.
Talk to any woman who has given birth. When she goes through pain, I swear the first thing out of her mouth will be "Well, it's not as bad as giving birth." It has been 16 years for me since I had my son, and I still use that as the barometer. Lance Armstrong certainly has lots to compare it to when it comes to pain and loss. He's had lots and lots of wins and happiness, and will again, but he certainly gets the concept of loss and pain. He seems to act the same regardless.
When I divorced and started meeting others, I got the sour grapes people for sure, but would find these incredible people who really have had horrible experiences at the hands of uncaring spouses, but they still looked at in a very individual way---like it's just one nut who did this, so I won't take it out on the rest of the world. That's what makes the world a good place, I think.
Wouldn't it be so much nicer in the world if people used that sense of logic? Moreover, don't you notice that people who have that sort of inner peace in the midst of overwhelming trauma have a sort of gentle nature that you soooo want to be around. Isn't Lance Armstrong the kind of guy you'd your kids to see to understand what living for the sheer pleasure of living means? My aunt has had so much trauma in her life yet when she talks to you, you are the only person in the room. She listens to your problems....and she's really, really concerned.
Maybe that's the key. People who get so wrapped up in their little problems can't give to others. They can't see beyond their own little bubbles.
Conversely, with a Lance Armstrong, or many of the people I've had the pleasure to call my friends, you feel good when you walk away from a conversation with them, right? I'm not there yet...a good bitch fest takes hold of me every so often...but I really do try to be that person, and I'm finding it's good for me---mentally and physically--- as much as it's good for others.
Since you recognize it in others, are you able to translate it into your own life? Were you always like that or did you sort of evolve into it? Do you think it's something that can be taught, or are people just like this or not like this?
Kim
posted by
terpgirl30
on July 10, 2005 at 6:23 PM
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terpgirl,
This is an interesting post. I think some people are just constant complainers and some just take life as it comes and deal with it. I really can't stand the "poor me poor me" people. I mean, yes, sometimes people have legit reasons to bitch and moan or feel bad for their situation, but it's the ones who are chronic complainers even about breaking a nail that drive me insane.
posted by
SpitFire70
on July 10, 2005 at 5:40 PM
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