Go to I WRITE, THEREFORE I AM
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- Go to There's no place more alone than lying naked next to one who isn't "there"
sunnykins--
thanks for your comment and compliment!
posted by
Julia.
on August 16, 2005 at 10:46 PM
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That is a true human emotion to the loving soul.
Of course it is hard to feel great sexually if the love is only one way, too. You need to be able to feel just as much love for all of him as he does to you. Great writing.
posted by
Sunnykins
on August 16, 2005 at 10:21 PM
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tweeter--
your feelings and energy surrounding this person make perfect sense to me. In my journal blog about a month or so ago, when the topic of soulmates came around again, I posted one "theory" regarding soulmates, that would explain the feelings you have for this person. If you are interested in reading it, let me know and I'll find the post and direct you.
posted by
Julia.
on August 16, 2005 at 7:42 AM
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Quirky
I was the same at one point when I was younger. But there is a strange flip side to this. I have had sex with a few men because of chemistry, and wanting love had nothing to do with it. There was person in particular the bond was so strong with, that it took alot of rational reasoning to let go of the relationship. To this day we are still very connected, and have discussed openly with each other our feelings. He told me once, that no matter who he was with and how much he loved her, that there is still an attraction to me that is stronger, and I feel the same. Although I am not in love with him, at times my soul aches for him,. I sometimes feel him reaching out for me when he is sad or struggling with something. I feel this connection is from many past lives spent together as a couple, and in this life time it jusy isn't meant to be.
posted by
Tweeter65
on August 16, 2005 at 5:50 AM
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boopster--
yes---I hope your daughter doesn't have to learn that lesson the most difficult way. Thanks for your great comment!!
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 10:43 PM
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Too bad we don't really know this one when we're young.
The world is seen through rose-colored glasses when we are young and hoping someone will come along and be our prince charming. I believe I have found mine, but at a much later age and after many mistakes.
It's just like the song says, "Looking for love in all the wrong places."
And you know what they say, "I wish I knew then what I know now."
Sometimes I'm not sure it's possible to restrain a young woman's desire to find what has become increasingly difficult. Sex needs a big warning sign on it similar to those on cigarettes. This isn't only about getting STD's. They don't realize the emotional cost and wasted energies they will suffer just to be held or accepted.
As a mother, I worry for my teenage daughter. We can preach to our children about many subjects, but often the lessons must be learned on their own. I just hope my daughter has an easier road than I did.
posted by
bettyboop1967
on August 15, 2005 at 10:35 PM
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Lensman--
so let 'em hate ya! lol.
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 10:11 PM
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MW--
yes, true...both of those suck!!
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 10:10 PM
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Sandra--thanx.
this is a great sentence: men love sex and like love; and women love love and like sex :o)
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 9:40 PM
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Hemlocker--
Well I wish that I could say I had waited until age 24.
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 9:39 PM
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vane--
I'm glad to hear that! Mannequin Sex is okay for some I guess, but not for me.
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 9:37 PM
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Anna--
and you are sweet, thank you!
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 9:35 PM
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frallen--
and that wouldn't be a bad thing...right??
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 9:35 PM
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jemmie--
so I beat ya to the punch with my post?? Saw-wee Charley!
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 9:34 PM
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word.smith--
that's so true!! thanks for reading.
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 9:33 PM
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ebb tide---
yeah...okay...sure wish I had even an inkling of what you were saying...
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 9:32 PM
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avant--
yes, I already do, thanks.
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 9:30 PM
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Silvermoon7--
yes, true, it applies to more than just sexual stuff...
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 9:30 PM
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Pat B--
thanks. Anyone who is with someone who isn't "there" should make plans to leave, imo.
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 9:29 PM
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Georgia--
what a wonderful comment, thanks so much!
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 9:28 PM
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MayB--
Yes I put that in specifically because I wanted to say that it was how I felt, but not necessarily how everyone should or would feel.
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 9:27 PM
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I like that you add the qualifier "for me" because I know that many people do not need to make a distinction between sex and love. I have a number of friends who are just like you. Overall this post made me feel OLD as it has been a long time since I needed to think about this deeply
posted by
Azur
on August 15, 2005 at 5:06 PM
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Quirky, you've got this so right! I'm right there with you on this one. It's nice to read my feelings written so well by somebody else - I don't feel as alone and know there's much more love in self-respect than in empty gratification.
posted by
Georgia
on August 15, 2005 at 4:44 PM
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Great post, great discussion starter...
Quirky, your well-thought-out and articulate blog is right on target!!! One thing I'd add to the brilliant comments (though this may not be such) -- at least if you are alone you have the freedom to seek out fulfillment. If you are with someone who isn't "there" you're trapped as well. Sounds like you have not given up. Way to go!!!
posted by
Pat_B
on August 15, 2005 at 3:15 PM
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Truer words were never spoken. And it isn't limited to only sex. There really is no lonlier place than lying next to anyone, naked or not, who is there, but isn't. Devastating feeling. It is, indeed, better to be alone.
posted by
SilverMoon7
on August 15, 2005 at 2:44 PM
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great post, quirky
you will have respect for yourself for waiting.
posted by
avant-garde
on August 15, 2005 at 2:31 PM
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This has got to be a record...
I haven't even read through the comments and I see ... what?? over 30!??? More comments than blog length! This must mean the blog was terrific. Maybe I should re-read it! It must have been more than just an idle chat about feeling alienated from bed-partners. Maybe I misread. Obviously, there could have been a nail hit. But hammer me into oblivion if I couldn't respond to the sentimental overtones with a nod and a wink, a nudge and a kiss blown in the dark to a coy young miss. Dear me I must persue fatal Muses who lead me in critical comment, though curt, somewhat quaint, cute, somewhat tainted with a mixture of raw, unadult-erated sex, in the truest of artforms the prosaic praxis that passes for poem, with rhyme at its center and image as home, where green is the foliage that round my high tower descends to the shrubbery that beneath its lofty windows cowers. Now having edged attention away from the initial criticism, towards thoughts on the sanity of the poet whose pale winding wit bores its way into the soil of derision like a seed spitting out roots of vision and sense in the mildest of dense underbrush dreams where the schemes and the needs of those fit to give or cushion a blow show in all their pale blue glow as undersea pallor falls on the stage in a light show to glitter and gleam of a New Age where the amply endowed of Sagacity's daughters, Wisdom and Valour frown down on disaster in order to savour the splendour of writes of passage of Time's sage stooge Death who when last fatal breath steals from a soul whose temple's life's bell's past tolling as oceans are rolling seaward to storm it and stave off the torrents of Yesterday's poetic offerings.
posted by
Ebb.and.Flow
on August 15, 2005 at 2:29 PM
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Way to go Quirky!
It really isn't worth the effort, it what you do doesn't mean anything - to both parties - in the end.
posted by
word.smith
on August 15, 2005 at 1:23 PM
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lol yea
men must face it...i need them less than i used to
posted by
Marshallengraved
on August 15, 2005 at 1:22 PM
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Quirkster
You and I really are connected. Just last night I was thinking this very same thing--about the reasons I've had sex with people. I came to pretty much the same conclusion you did.
posted by
Jemmie211
on August 15, 2005 at 12:50 PM
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a guys view
If more women acted the way that you do now. We would have to grow and become more open. Good luck in life and Love.
posted by
Frallen
on August 15, 2005 at 12:46 PM
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Quirky,
It sure does beat lying next to someone who is not "there"...you are beautiful and kind...I am sure that some wonderful man will come along and always be "there"
posted by
SincerityAnna
on August 15, 2005 at 12:25 PM
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I know exactly how you feel. I can relate to all of it. I grew up in that way, and I've given it up just for those few moments knowing there was nothing else. I even convinced myself for a long time that I didn't want anything more than the sex. the truth is, it was all a lie. I wanted the love and companionship. I'm done with meanningless "Mannequin sex, also.
posted by
Vanidad
on August 15, 2005 at 12:22 PM
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quirky
Obviously I don't have the experience of a woman in this. I was always, shall we say, backward and intimidated in sexual aspects. Some of the stuff I read on Blogit is rather shocking to me even now. I think the lying next to no one thing did apply on both sides when I was younger and in that scene. You want some honesty? I was a virgin until I was 24, and was practically clueless even then. A man who is all sex and little more can be a real disappointment; the opposite can perhaps be even a worse disappointment. Hemlocker
posted by
Hemlocker
on August 15, 2005 at 12:18 PM
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Great post Quirky. My partner says that men love sex and like love; and women love love and like sex :o). I think the problem lives in that we don't all perceived love and sex from the same frame of reference. There are probably as many definitions for love as there are people in the world! We approach sex with different motives and core beliefs that are rarely discussed prior to the "act". To me... sex is an extension of love, but if I expect your belief to look like mine... I'm setting myself up for disappointment. I become your victim when you don't believe what I do! You used me!... but in fact I set myself up to be used because I didn't communicate my core belief. Why didn't I? I didn't want to risk rejection or loss. In the end, I'm confronted only by my own accountability.
Interesting discussion--Thanks! Sandi
posted by
Sandra_Harris
on August 15, 2005 at 12:07 PM
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Quirky
I used to tell my ex husband that I would rather be alone by myself than lonely with someone.
Alone by myself suck...there is no doubt there but it still beats being lonely with someone.
Good for you!!!
posted by
Bel_
on August 15, 2005 at 11:29 AM
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Well...
...I have to agree that sex is a wonderful thing when it's in your life, but man, there are so many other great things to life also. I know today's marketers are going to hate me for saying that, but I already hate them, so we're even.
posted by
Lensman
on August 15, 2005 at 11:16 AM
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frankenkitty--
yes, I guess one shouldn't really typecast by gender---women can and do use men for sex too...though I think not as often. Anyway, I'm not saying it's necessarily bad for anyone, if it's what they want to do.
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 10:59 AM
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Quirkyalone, this is very thoughtful.
I always wondered what was wrong with me because I used men for sex just like they use women. I didn't want a relationship, just fun. It is a very emotionally detached way to think. Eventually I settled down, and now I'm super domestic. It was just a phase I guess. I hope you find someone who deserves you
posted by
Flumpystalls3000
on August 15, 2005 at 10:41 AM
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ltlmac, thanks...
young girls without fathers, in particular, seek to fill the void with sex in the hopes they will feel loved...unfortunately many of us have to learn from experience that this doesn't work.
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 10:17 AM
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MysticG--
about the skilled hand...that was what I was trying to convey to Sassy...one doesn't need a lover to be sexually fulfilled. Granted, it's not the same and not nearly as nice...but like I said, Mannequin Sex just isn't for me. To each his own, and to thine own self be true.
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 10:14 AM
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The comments say it all...
Excellent post! Young girls today should hope to have someone in their lives to tell them this truth. It would save them from so much if they would only believe it. On another note...Congrats on the number 1 ranking!
ltlmac70
posted by
superflymom119
on August 15, 2005 at 10:11 AM
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quirky-girl
we can give ourselves the best orgasm in the world in under a couple minutes with a skilled hand and a fantasy, and then it off to slumberland. we don't need to settle for sex from indifferent strangers, not todays women. I am amongst the fortunate to have love and lover...but neither came early in my life:-)
posted by
MysticGmekeepr
on August 15, 2005 at 10:07 AM
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isa--
lol--make them think you are indifferant--that's good!!
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 9:58 AM
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Yeah...
this quote "
"women give sex to get love, and men give the illusion of love to get sex." is so true that i now refuse to give sex, because i understood men's psychology and i have become independant like them...i make them feel that i don't need them THAT much lol
posted by
Marshallengraved
on August 15, 2005 at 9:27 AM
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Original--
thank you. Top of the mornin' to ya!
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 9:00 AM
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rabbit--
thanks for reading and for getting the male perspective. All of what you've written is true I think.
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 9:00 AM
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mmm-w,
Well I of course agree with you, but also know that we are in the minority with that way of thinking...
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 8:58 AM
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Excellent points made here!
posted by
Original_Influence
on August 15, 2005 at 8:47 AM
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good point!
Checked with mate on the men giving the illusion of love to get sex thing - he says not necessarily, but being the honest soul he is (which is part of what makes him a 'keeper'), he agrees about men and sex in general - men tend to be 'programmed' to take advantage of women in general - especially younger men. (Even older men tend to want to avoid responsiblity)
Still it's true also there's a bit of a piglet in all of us - sex is an appetite, and women too, especially when younger, can be sexually aggressive/active and yet non-commital. (Especially in these times - I have been really suprised at times when talking to young people!)
As we get older we begin to realize there will come a day when we will be glad to have someone in the rocking chair next to us to talk to, and that's who we're really looking for.
posted by
wiserabbit
on August 15, 2005 at 8:35 AM
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this was really a great post... and so true....
i have no doubt that we, as people, have sexual needs but i do think too much emphasis is placed on it. i think that we do use sex to fill/numb/or heal a lot of our wholes in life.... and somehow along the way it all got so distorted...
posted by
mmm-w
on August 15, 2005 at 8:32 AM
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vibrance--
yes...I agree...a lot of people may misrepresent the truth to varying degrees to get what they want. As for not waiting to be kissed deeply...well, it's a personal choice, and I respect that!!
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 8:30 AM
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sassy--
I think that research is probably correct, but I have a problem lumping unhappiness and sexual fulfillment together...one can be happy without sex, and even...dare I say this at the risk of ridicule...fulfilled.
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 8:28 AM
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and some women
tell men that they are ok with casual sex to get his attention when they really want a committed relationship. A lot of people lie to get a bit of what they want. I don't like anonymous sex but i am not willing to wait years before someone kisses me deeply. Dunno about anything anymore. Love, Vib
posted by
Vibrance
on August 15, 2005 at 8:24 AM
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This could be why I am so grouchy & sick
Not enough sex, and too much of everything else.
posted by
Sherri_G
on August 15, 2005 at 8:18 AM
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Yep, I agree
Your honesty is refreshing. Sex is great, but its not everything. Although they do say that it makes us happier when we are in love. Apparently an active sex life strengthens our immune system. Scientists have
compared the nerve endings of happy, loving and sexually-fulfilled people with unhappy and sexually-unfulfilled people. A large numbers of immune-system cells were gathered near the nerve endings in the "happy" people. A similar microscopic exam of "unhappy" and depressed persons showed no such gathering of immune-system cells. Scientists theorized that the nerve endings in the "happy" group were releasing neurotransmitters. These are chemicals, like adrenalin and acetylcholine, that facilitate the transmission
of nerve messages. Scientists concluded that these neurotransmitters could attract, feed, and strengthen the various immune-system cells. During sex, the heart beats twice as fast, pumping blood to the pelvis,
breasts, nipples, and surface of the skin, helping get rid of toxins and bringing in nutrients.
posted by
Sherri_G
on August 15, 2005 at 8:16 AM
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Medusa--
Yeah...hey thanks...the long-haired Native American is always a pretty good fantasy...lol.
posted by
Julia.
on August 15, 2005 at 8:12 AM
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I like your honesty, Ms. Quirky......
Okay, well, hold on to this thought until a good man comes by......gorgeous Native American riding bareback w/ long dark hair waving in the breeze. "Come to my teepee, Quirky." Well, I tried....Those posts aren't easy to write. Nice job.
posted by
MedusaNextDoor
on August 15, 2005 at 7:46 AM
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