Go to I WRITE, THEREFORE I AM
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- Go to It seemed like a good idea at the time. But alas…
It may be that your doing a good thing, becuase as you've needed to talk about it, and have done so through your writing, maybe your mom has needed to talk about it too, and seeing it through your eyes is helping her open some of the gates that she's needed to open.
posted by
tigerprincess
on November 7, 2005 at 5:35 PM
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She asked
and you duly delivered. It is for her to understand, not you. If sharing your experiences with us has helped you, then that is more important, and I hope you feel that we can be part of your support team as well.
posted by
malcolm
on November 7, 2005 at 10:53 AM
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Quirky,
Not that she can be blamed, I guess. But she did ask... and did she get a chance to see where so many bloggers wrote in with thoughts of love and support for all of your family? Perhaps that may help and be a small blessing?
posted by
curator
on November 7, 2005 at 9:50 AM
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Quirky
I think you did the right thing. She is your Mother after all and probably wants to understand where your feelings are at too! Any update on this?
posted by
Offy
on November 7, 2005 at 8:34 AM
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Quirky
I hope you are better these days...
. I don't see anything wrong with you two openly sharing, in fact, its healthy for you. Have faith it will be ok.
posted by
cosy
on November 7, 2005 at 8:07 AM
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Quirky...
How are you today?
posted by
Marshallengraved
on November 7, 2005 at 7:48 AM
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Don't worry too much.
She did, after all, express an interest in reading them. Just keep talking with her when she wants to talk. It'll all work out. *hugs*
posted by
Jemmie211
on November 6, 2005 at 11:52 PM
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Quirk, when one learns that our past is the past , only then, may we be able to grow. Hang in there.
posted by
nuwriter
on November 6, 2005 at 5:05 PM
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I don't think it is a good idea to ponder too much over the past even though people have healed.
(A)
posted by
A-and-B
on November 6, 2005 at 4:56 PM
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My mom obsesses over things like that.
Anything you say or write that strikes her in some odd way, she'll hold onto for a million years. One time when I was about 14, these neighborhood boys held me down and did some nasty things to me. I wrote about it, and my my went through my stuff and read it. Turns out, she always read everything I wrote so I never had any privacy. Then she judged me on it, and said I shouldn't write everything down. Like she had the right to tell me that or something? I tell her, if you read it and it makes you cry, tough shit stupid. I guess I'm a little hostile about certain things when it comes to my mom, but I do love her. Okay, nothing of what I said helps you. I am sorry! Sometimes I just go off. Writing always helped me vent, so she'll at least appreciate that aspect of it. You had a safe way to vent. Take care
posted by
Flumpystalls3000
on November 6, 2005 at 4:37 PM
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Quirky
I think perhaps she has imagined how you felt about things all these years anyway. I'd think it would be great for her to know how strong you are in spite of everything. I am sure she imagined worse...I think it is what mothers tend to do?
posted by
FactorFiction
on November 6, 2005 at 4:12 PM
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Quirky,
I think the best thing you can do now is to have faith that you did the right thing and that it will help. I know that it is easier for me to share my feelings through writing, sometimes, than it is to speak them. Perhaps that was the best way for you and your mom to communicate about it. I am sending you good thoughts!
PS. thanks for reading my posts so diligently...I always know that at least Quirky will read them!!
posted by
Cunningham_Smith07
on November 6, 2005 at 4:03 PM
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*what we think intuitively will be best*
yea...agreed a 100%...i always use my intuition...
posted by
Marshallengraved
on November 6, 2005 at 12:20 PM
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Quirky
Let her be proud of her daughters ability to write and be happy with that.
A psychotherapist told me one time about my book, Faith,Hope and Sobriety, and I was worried about my kids reading it;
" Your responsibilty and therapy was writing it, theirs is to read it or not, their choice."
posted by
WileyJohn
on November 6, 2005 at 10:09 AM
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What I meant was that, I had to reconsider whether I was not making a mistake and thus need to stop and think for fear of being influenced by the many good articles and people. Now, I am glad to inform you first hand that, I am back. God Bless.
posted by
Flame-thrower
on November 6, 2005 at 8:49 AM
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Oh, Quirk...I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I try NOT to let my mother see anything that I've written about my father's incarceration. I just know she would dwell on everything she did wrong, every scar I still carry, and every inconsistency in my story. I have considered allowing her to read some of my stuff, though. Your story just reminded me of why I don't.
Gosh, I can only imagine.
But don't fret too much. Maybe in a way this is another part of healing. After all, I'm sure your mother has gone over you brother's situation over and over, with no real concrete ideas as to what you might have gone through. Now it's in front of her--that another one of her children faces an insurmountable pain--and she has to deal with that. Let her, and don't feel guilty about it. She's your mom, that's part of her job. Believe me, in alot of ways she might feel better because now she'll try to find ways to comfort YOU. That is empowering to a mother. And you deserve it.
Good luck.
posted by
Renigade
on November 6, 2005 at 7:39 AM
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Ah Quirky, that's a hard one. I'm sorry for your dilemma.
posted by
JanesOpinion
on November 6, 2005 at 7:22 AM
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Quirky, here's some sympathetic thoughts going your way. I love you.
posted by
Gubby
on November 6, 2005 at 6:15 AM
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I think it will be OK for your mother because there are some things you will have said in writing that you could not have said in conversation. She, and you, have been over this so many times that it is unlikely that anything that these stings, if any, will not be so great. Of course I don't know this but it's what I believe
posted by
Azur
on November 6, 2005 at 6:01 AM
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Quirky
It's terribly unfair...this is like a life sentence for you and your mom, I think. However, you writing about it and your mom reading about it may be good for both of you. It might be a little bit like that saying, "Get back on the horse that bucked you," or "Take a hair from the dog that bit you." Both those expressions imply facing up to something that's hurt you and I understand that it helps fight the problem. Seems like that's what you and your mom are doing. It may well turn out to be a very good thing someday, though perhaps still hurtful during the process. I'm just shooting in the dark here, though, because I have not had your kind of experience. Thumbs and hopes galore nonetheless 
posted by
Lensman
on November 6, 2005 at 1:55 AM
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Hmmmmmm
Life is very treacherous. It sounds like you are a loving sensitive person who is connected and switched on - intuitively I an sure you chose and will choose what is best for you,
Jo
posted by
brisbane_artist
on November 6, 2005 at 1:16 AM
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>:-} Quirky, I think you did ok. You followed your 'gut' and sent them...
I'am trying to look at this from a mother's perspective and as someone who does tend to 'obsess' a little over things... especially when those things involve those who are closest to me. If she wanted to read them, and wants insight to your state of mind and so forth, she deserves that. Things were terrible for her, for you, her son is gone, her daughter was affected... at the time she may have not had the strength to 'be there' for you the way she feels she should or could have been. There has been, and probably always will be an overwhelming amount of 'stuff' to 'take in' . Your presence and her relationship with you now apparently means a lot to her. Maybe it's all just part of the healing process.
Blessings to you both.
posted by
wiserabbit
on November 5, 2005 at 9:24 PM
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Maggie--
thanks for your sweetness and caring.
posted by
Julia.
on November 5, 2005 at 8:08 PM
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Tapsel--
I think it's fair to say no one will ever be able to truly understand how she feels. Some other mothers in similar circumstances may come close. And I hope that I know somewhat the feelings she has. Thanks for your words.
posted by
Julia.
on November 5, 2005 at 8:07 PM
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whacky46--
wise words indeed...
posted by
Julia.
on November 5, 2005 at 8:06 PM
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Quirky, I mean, don't worry....
posted by
MaggieMae
on November 5, 2005 at 7:37 PM
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Quirky, worry so over this.....
The end result of your sharing your writings with your mother may heal her heart and bring her closer to you. Let's hope so. She did ask to read what you've written and you've chosen to allow her. Now, let's see where it leads her. Just be there to catch her if she falls.
Good luck, Sweetie. God bless.
posted by
MaggieMae
on November 5, 2005 at 7:35 PM
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Quirkyalone, some things are too hard for human beings ever to completely get over in this lifetime. But, it does help to know that someone else also knows, understands, empathizes. It seems that your mother will probably never be able to completely lay this aside and move on and I think that it is a comfort to her to have you and your thoughts/writings/sharing and feel a bond with you. I think that you did the right thing.
posted by
TAPS.
on November 5, 2005 at 7:35 PM
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Well...
As my mom used to say, "and this too shall pass."
posted by
Whacky
on November 5, 2005 at 6:21 PM
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katray--
me, too...thanks!
posted by
Julia.
on November 5, 2005 at 6:15 PM
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Yes, that is what I was trying to express Quirky
I do think there will be healing through this sharing. Hoping and praying it will be so.
posted by
Katray2
on November 5, 2005 at 6:11 PM
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Katray--
thanks for your perspective. I know it brings up a lot for her, so perhapss in the short run it is painful but in the long run it is healing? I sure hope so.
posted by
Julia.
on November 5, 2005 at 5:54 PM
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From a mother's view...
I can only imagine the pain and I'm sure that is nowhere close to the experience, but I can offer what I think it would mean - eventually, sharing this way would help. Because you'd realize you're not completely alone in your heartbreak and despair and then, the instinct to comfort and heal is redirected to a child still with you and needing your loving touch. This is what a mother's soul lives to do.
You've written so powerfully and beautifully about your brother Quirky, I'm sure reading will produce tears, but hopefully through the tears your mother will feel a lessening of her heavy burden and the breathing will become easier.
posted by
Katray2
on November 5, 2005 at 5:47 PM
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Shadow--
okey dokey!!
posted by
Julia.
on November 5, 2005 at 5:41 PM
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Ca88--
Gosh, I can only hope it could create more closeness, that would be nice!
posted by
Julia.
on November 5, 2005 at 5:39 PM
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Quirky,
O.K. then make that questioning yourself instead of kicking. 
Shadow
posted by
Keshet
on November 5, 2005 at 5:39 PM
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If she wanted to read them, I see no reason to hide them from her. She knew what you were writing about and I bet reading the posts has only made her feel closer to you.
posted by
Ca88andra
on November 5, 2005 at 5:35 PM
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Bright--
lol--yeah, she never stops worrying about me because she's my mom...I know...I was hoping to keep the worry down to a dull roar...hehe.
posted by
Julia.
on November 5, 2005 at 5:35 PM
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shadow--
I'm not really kicking myself, I'm mostly just questioning my decision to share the posts with her.
posted by
Julia.
on November 5, 2005 at 5:34 PM
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Quirky..
You did the right thing by sending her your writing as she requested. She would worry about you anyway and now if she wants to discuss your writing she is free to do so.
posted by
BrightIrish
on November 5, 2005 at 5:29 PM
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Quirky,
Being upfront and showing her you are attempting to make closure just might also help her too. Please don't kick yourself like this. Hiding the feelings from her was your way of protecting her and yourself, but it can also be a start at having a solid wall of support for both of you and not fight this alone. Shadow
posted by
Keshet
on November 5, 2005 at 5:29 PM
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avant--
I hope you're right, and that I'm alive to see it.
posted by
Julia.
on November 5, 2005 at 5:24 PM
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Quirky
But, at the same time, these issues cannot thrive but in the dark. Talking them over does bring resolution-eventually.
posted by
avant-garde
on November 5, 2005 at 5:20 PM
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Libertine--
I know, you're right, she did ask and I even said, Are you
sure you want to see them? But still...
posted by
Julia.
on November 5, 2005 at 5:19 PM
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Try not to beat yourself up about it too much. After all, she ASKED to see them. And as for her worrying about you, I know you'll feel like you caused it, but that's what mothers do. We can't stop them!
posted by
Holy_Grail
on November 5, 2005 at 5:16 PM
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