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I started to feel a bit of a rhythm or bubbling here. That was nice....
posted by
WindTapper
on July 14, 2006 at 10:01 PM
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Marie! I am with Taps here! This was a wonderful journey, although
a bit parched. Was quite refreshing to share that drink at the end. This was a great poem. Incredible talent in you! Merci!
posted by
swftfox
on July 10, 2006 at 10:02 AM
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posted by
syzygy
on July 10, 2006 at 3:21 AM
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Strong imagery and flow
posted by
Katray2
on July 9, 2006 at 10:54 PM
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thanks Taps! point taken Y Punday.
I guess I overlooked that tense. Sorry.
posted by
marieclaire66
on July 9, 2006 at 10:33 PM
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marieclaire, I feel as if I just took a hike in the Colorado mountains. Very good!!
posted by
TAPS.
on July 9, 2006 at 10:23 PM
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2x4 = stars or clicks; water for haiku clicks (NEXT)
posted by
ILLUMINATI8
on July 9, 2006 at 10:22 PM
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is this three or four already? Hey MC, are you still awake with the flu?
posted by
ILLUMINATI8
on July 9, 2006 at 10:21 PM
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posted by
ILLUMINATI8
on July 9, 2006 at 9:10 PM
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Lovely, if somewhat unsettling, metaphor for life. I suggest a careful edit
Among just a few word choices (diction) that came to mind, I think in the following line, the verb tense can be tricky : "The river bed lay bare." If it jives with the next linem then you need the present tense as in "The river bed lies bare." Homographs spell words the same, but mean differenct things, so "lies" does not mean untruth here (I KNOW U KNOW). Another example is "saw" both the past of "see" and noun, for the thing that cuts wood, etc. rather finely. Here's a joke/riddle: "i saw Esau saw the wood, and though my wife and I Esau saw me saw, Esau went on sawing." Vive La France; shalom.
posted by
ILLUMINATI8
on July 9, 2006 at 7:57 PM
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