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posted by
Rosetree
on January 29, 2007 at 9:41 PM
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AG,
I was going to make a mile-long comment on this post and decided it proper etiquette to post my own thoughts regarding the subject. You are a up and rising parent; I'm on the downhill slope (damage done), lol. You may be interested in this post and the comments therein; The Problem with Fathers & Sons (from a mom's perspective). I admire and value your posts regarding your children and the role you are modeling in their lives, tremendously. I really can't express that enough!
posted by
roadscross
on January 19, 2007 at 7:09 AM
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Black Pearl
I think to some extent we parents have this dilemma to contend with. If it is not addressed, it is most assuredly guaranteed to be handed down. I think the best thing to do is realize that mistakes are made and own them. I see my boys respecting me for coming off my soapbox and apologizing to them for being wrong.
posted by
avant-garde
on January 13, 2007 at 2:45 AM
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Hi, avant-garde,
I can relate to this post personally, almost perfectly. I know that there are good things and bad things about myself that I have learned are a part of my parents and their parents, and other family members. Every part of me that has something good, also has some less desirable trait that goes along with it. It's weird, but I really think I understand where you're coming from with this. Thanks. :)
posted by
BlackPearl1
on January 12, 2007 at 10:13 PM
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Decshack
I can tell when my pressure goes up: my face feels tight, my eyes bulge, and my skin feels hot. I get winded easily and I get a headache. It's only happened a couple of times in the last two or three years. I keep it pretty normal.
I was raised by a very domineering father and a mother who would fly off the handle. I witnessed my grandmother doing the same thing when I was a little older. It was not a good thing to see. I have learned these habits.
Another thing that makes a person much more irritable is high blood sugar-especially when it's chronic.
posted by
avant-garde
on January 12, 2007 at 12:57 PM
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Moon
I think this is probably my greatest fear: passing on unwanted traits. I can see my boys sometimes acting in ways that tell me to do a reality check on myself. Thanks for another insightful and thoughtful comment.
posted by
avant-garde
on January 12, 2007 at 12:55 PM
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It takes practice to learn to swallow your irritations for the sake of
others. You have probably chosen the perfect vocation, though, since you must act quickly to be an effective EMT. One question, though. Have you had your blood pressure checked recently? I notice that people with high blood pressure react somewhat out of proportion to the irritant. That's one way I can tell when my husband has forgotten to take his blood pressure medicine that morning....
posted by
WindTapper
on January 12, 2007 at 7:41 AM
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Avant, it is amazing how much of our behavior is automatic, habitual, knee jerk - how much we pick up from parents or authority figures as children. What is free will? How can we say that we do what we want or we do what we think or we do what we believe or that we are free when we our actions are just habitual copies of something that somebody else did? Sometimes I look at my own actions and think "What ancestor how many generations ago was the first to do this, to act like this?" Then I look at my (grown) children and think "I'm sorry I was exhibiting that pattern of behavior when they were young." Many times they exhibit traits that I have changed now changed in myself (at least I think I have) but, of course they still carry the pattern. Actually, it is all sobering and disturbing. MoonSpirit 
posted by
syzygy
on January 12, 2007 at 4:20 AM
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brisbane
Wow. That must have been scary. I'm glad she's all right.
posted by
avant-garde
on January 12, 2007 at 2:25 AM
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Ciel
You're right. I read a passage by a psychologist recently. He explained that every parent at some point holds the blame and falls short. It's human nature and sets the stage for growth.
posted by
avant-garde
on January 12, 2007 at 2:24 AM
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sannhet
Thank you, my friend. This is one of the many realizations that I came to upon studying the matter further.
posted by
avant-garde
on January 12, 2007 at 2:23 AM
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SYMPHONY
No, it certainly isn't. It's also amazing the reduction in stress that comes from being proactive rather than reactive when doing the parenting thing.
posted by
avant-garde
on January 12, 2007 at 2:23 AM
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bel
They are at an age where they mimic whatever state of mind I happen to be in. It's been a tough lesson in setting an example.
posted by
avant-garde
on January 12, 2007 at 2:22 AM
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our families are what we need them to be
My sister was missing yesterday. The police were only looking for her for a few hours.
She left brisbane and a week later had not returned home in Canberra.
She was sick camping couldn't drive the car and her cell phone was flat!
When she is home she may go to hospital for a while.
I suddenly went through my entire value system in the space of a few hours.
Whew!!
jo
posted by
brisbane_artist
on January 11, 2007 at 1:31 PM
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From this vantage point, that of a mystic and a mother & now a grandmother,
it seems to me that our families are what we need them to be--we all are a circle of students and lessons, and mirrors. Those of intelligence and understanding do better than their parents did, usually, and all parents leave something for their children to do better.
posted by
Ciel
on January 9, 2007 at 6:26 PM
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Avant -
Don't be so hard on yourself. There can be no good without bad. There can be no positive without negative. Duality must be for one to grow properly.
posted by
sannhet
on January 9, 2007 at 11:42 AM
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I know what you mean.....I too have seen some traits that I would
rather not have - being passed down to my children....I have been taking a really good look at myself recently and have taken a good look at my parenting skills...I have been making lots of changes...
I believe it is never too late.
Good Luck.
posted by
_Symphony_
on January 9, 2007 at 9:24 AM
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Sometimes
we just have to step back and look at where we are and where we want to be. I have no doubt that you will leave a legacy of love and gentleness for your own children.
posted by
bel_1965
on January 9, 2007 at 6:27 AM
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TAPS
Indeed, I am.
posted by
avant-garde
on January 9, 2007 at 4:00 AM
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mneme
Thanks. It's good for me in a way to see my legacy and to realize I don't want to pass it on.
posted by
avant-garde
on January 9, 2007 at 3:59 AM
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avant-garde
That's because you are human.
posted by
TAPS.
on January 9, 2007 at 3:59 AM
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Whacky
Yes, there are many things to be grateful for!
posted by
avant-garde
on January 9, 2007 at 3:58 AM
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TAPS
I realize that the biggest determinant to my kids' future is my behavior now. That's a weighty thing and it's not to be taken lightly. The irony here is that the more serious I become about it, the more I tend to do the very things I try to avoid!
posted by
avant-garde
on January 9, 2007 at 3:58 AM
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Holy Grail
I've heard that before. It's comforting in a way. Thanks.
posted by
avant-garde
on January 9, 2007 at 3:56 AM
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Troosha
Compulsive worrying is a trait I have inherited from my mom. I find myself getting all worked up over things that never materialize, or that plain don't exist. It's frustrating.
posted by
avant-garde
on January 9, 2007 at 3:56 AM
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word
Thanks. I hope you're getting along okay. I haven't heard from you in awhile.
posted by
avant-garde
on January 9, 2007 at 3:55 AM
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malcolm
I think the shadow must exist in some form or another. The trick for me is to not buy into it and make it real. Parenting is tough, because it involves many layers of responsibility.
posted by
avant-garde
on January 9, 2007 at 3:54 AM
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faholo
It is a lot about courage. Thanks for pointing that out.
As for the memoirs, I don't have a clue. I'm thinking of changing the blog, because I haven't had time to think seriously about the topic in recent weeks.
If I come across something, I'll be sure to post it. Best of luck!
posted by
avant-garde
on January 9, 2007 at 3:53 AM
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Rcky
I get overwhelmed sometimes and it gets frustrating. For me, it's a matter of prioritizing and taking my time and enjoying what I'm doing. Otherwise, I get stressed out and the rest is history. Thanks.
posted by
avant-garde
on January 9, 2007 at 3:51 AM
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avant-garde
Taps took the words right out of my hands LOL. These are fortunate children to have parents who take their responsibility seriously.
posted by
mneme
on January 9, 2007 at 3:06 AM
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At least you didn't wait till it was too late!
posted by
Whacky
on January 8, 2007 at 10:04 PM
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avant-garde
At least you are aware that your words, actions and emotions have a direct effect on your little children. An awful lot of parents don't seem to have a clue or will not admit it to themselves. Awareness is the first step in positive action.
posted by
TAPS.
on January 8, 2007 at 8:01 PM
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I think just the fact that you're worried aobut it showes that you're doing a-okay!
posted by
Holy_Grail
on January 8, 2007 at 4:54 PM
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Avant
You’re right – every parent deals with it. I didn’t even see it happening (because my daughter seemed to maintain a clam façade) but she has become an extremely anxious young woman. I’ve been anxious for years – worrying about what I should worry about next in some instances.
posted by
Troosha
on January 8, 2007 at 2:02 PM
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It's going to be an on-going process,
but things should turn out fine since you realize that you don't want to pass certain traits/behaviour patterns to your kids.
posted by
word.smith
on January 8, 2007 at 1:49 PM
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Our eldest son
is very much a loner and I feel for him in his loneliness, but he is also an artist and I celebrate that with him. I'd say that both of these traits come from me rather than Susan. However there are moments when I see only a dark side of me infecting each of the children like a shadow; usually those are dark moments and not really represenatative of how it really is?
posted by
malcolm
on January 8, 2007 at 1:15 PM
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Avant, awarenes is the key to growth! It is your personality,
character and spirituality working together to create a new you in the image and likeness of the Lord! I can hear your sons saying some of the things I say about my Dad when they are much older! Keep the faith and hope with courage! I believe your love is leading you on a path you will never regret! Blessings! faholo
PS: Have you by any chance written a post about Memoirs on your writing blog? I need to learn how to write one and I do not know where to begin! faholo
posted by
faholo
on January 8, 2007 at 11:44 AM
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Hey Avant......In my opinion you are ahead of the game.....you are aware
of your traits that may be passed to your boys and you have the opportunity to change unwanted behaviors. You are a wonderful father and I have no doubt your boys will grow up to be kind, caring men. I am like you to a point that I tend to be a perfectionist and when things don't go right I get a bit pissy. Then I have to step back and realize life is too short to sweat the small stuff.
posted by
RckyMtnActivist
on January 8, 2007 at 5:16 AM
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