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hey dear
That was really well written. I am impressed with the way you could get your feelings out so concisely. When I'm upset like that I curl up in a ball on my bed and just sit in the dark. You're my hero you know ;o)
posted by
desertsong
on October 7, 2003 at 8:07 PM
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Thanks DL for your thoughts ..that makes a lot of sense. I really do agree with the 100% 100% thing ....that is a discussion that my boyfriend and I have had before because he is always prepared to blame me ..but has a very hard time realizing that he might be at fault himself. Case in point ..he told me that I should have spoken up if I was not having fun ..then he was mad that I somehow made him stand around all day ...I told him that he should have spoken up if he was not having fun ahead of time ..and he shut up ..he didnt' like me turning it around on him ..and yells about that all the time ..but I turn it around to show him how he fails to see his errors or faults ..
I will have to thinka bout the insecure thing ..it was in my head this morning actually ..because ..i'm the kind of person that is not scared to be by myself ..I enjoy it ..it was hard at first but now I kinda enjoy it ..I go to movies by myself etc ....my boyfriend cannot do anything by himself. He complains about not going to dance clubs .and yet I tell him to go ..and he won't because he needs a group to go with him. Your theory makes a lot of sense ....
posted by
Okie
on October 7, 2003 at 7:03 PM
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I Hope It Did You...
..some good to splurge all this out to BN. It can be a very cathartic place, this, can it not?
A couple of thoughts, for what they are worth.
You seem to be caught up in a pattern of ensuring everyone is having fun. That Is Not Your Responsibility! Everyone must take responsibility for their own actions, their own happiness. It doesn't sound like you actively invited many of those folks to go with you, so it's even clearler that, if they just came along, they must take full responsibility for their own good time. Neither thye should look to you for entertainment, nor should you take that role upon yourself.
Your boyfriend is in an altogether different pattern (and one that is more externally destructive than yours, which is primarily internally destructive). He seems deeply insecure. What else explains his need to lay into you when you're having a great day, AND when you're having a shit day? Where's the support? Where's the sharing and caring? Also, insecurity says 'I'm not good enough', and he seems to be going way out the other way to combat it, saying 'I am the centre of what's happening here'. Neither are healthy.
And what's truly unhealthy is the dynamic between you. His pattern of hating stuff idf things aren't going his way coincides perfectly with your need to see everyone having a good time. Sadly, until he breaks his patterns, he'll NEVER be happy, and you'll NEVER satisfy him, and therefore you'll NEVER be happy.
Not good.
One final thought. In a relationship, the most powerful idea you can carry with you is that, in any confrontational situation, it is never 50-50. It's ALWAYS 100-100. It's always 100% his fault AND 100% your fault. That forces you both to take full responsibility, and then hopefully do something about it.
Good Luck with this, and Good Luck in your new job today!
D
posted by
DamonLeigh
on October 7, 2003 at 4:55 AM
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