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I was curious as to what your response would be and I am delighted once
again, not at your need for affection dillema, but because it is where I have been. That is the clincher! I was so deprived of affection (from a male), my father did not feel comfortable showing affection and when my grandfather did, because he was able, it felt uncomfortable to me. Honestly, I was willing to do almost anything to have someone's arms around me. It was a horrible, scary and disheartening time of my life. I did 'settle' for whomever just to have that affection but wore a mask and turned it into the same game boys play holding myself up to say, if they can love and let go, so can I. I really didn't know this was the reason why, and again....you're enlightened to this reason already. I don't think I completely understood myself until I was divorcing at 35 and began to 'play' the same game again.
I prayed for IT to stop because I knew my self esteem was on the line from always 'settling' to get what I needed. One night in total desperation, and I remember it so well and always will, I was overcome with the longing to be held, feeling so alone (betrayed because my husband had strayed), and honestly asking for an answer; "What doesn't anyone want to hold me, for me...to love me, for me?" I was half asleep when the answer came and I awoke to my arms wrapped around myself, curled in a fetal position and these words, "Cheryl Ann, I do love you! And we ARE here together, you & I! No earthly man can fill my shoes and that is the love you seek to find. Now, when you learn to love US with heart and soul, you will find the true hearts with true love to give."
It was an amazing revelation; And as slow as I am......I have just come to finally feel the love around me and have learned to love myself unconditionally. I actually ended a 'relationship of convenience' that was keeping me 'stuck' in the same 'settling' situation, a little over two years ago. Since, I have been back to the same old need, time and time again...but in NOT acting on it, turning my love inward and following my passions, finding myself and what I truly want in life, helps me to understand who I truly NEED in my life and I have been sorting through the weeds so to speak. I've joined equestriansingles.com (because I am a horse lover) and the cowboys that ride them (ha) and I am an outdoors woman so I'm looking into Events & Adventures.
I looked into E & A years ago and deemed it unaffordable, but now, knowing what I know, I would have put it on a credit card if need be to enjoy my life during that time of my life, with every possiblity of meeting Mr. Right.
Like you, even at this ripe age of 48, I am still highly in need of affection and I believe I always will be. I am an independent business woman, but I know if I reach out in doing all of the things I am passionate about, passion will find me! Love will find me.
I wouldn't feel any of this to be true if I hadn't given up the 'need & settling' and took the time to discover my true passions in my life! ~Blessings dear one~
posted by
roadscross
on September 6, 2007 at 8:55 AM
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Re: Now I remember! You are me, at your age...only, you're an amazing
Hi Chyrlann - thank you so much for the long comment. How do you pronounce your name?
You're tooooo kind - I don't know if I'm an AMAZING poet, but thank you so much for the nice words =).
Like I always tell people - we all have our path to take. Maybe I learned quicker on the love end, but you are surely more enlightened than myself in other areas. And not to mention, I'm STILL learning in the love department... Although I've come very far, I still have so much further to go. My problem is that I've been starving for affection for so long that once someone gives me juuuuust a little bit, I have the tendency to latch on...and then I get emotionally attached very quickly. It's horrible 
. I just don't know how to change that part of me. If feels unnatural to try and close myself off. Sometimes I think I shouldn't have to because this is who I am, and if it's meant to be then it won't matter. But other times I think I won't find the right one until I "LEARN" to be more cautious with my emotions. I just don't think emotions are supposed to be kept in check like that.
I don't know. I kinda feel like crap right now but I'm trying to keep myself positive. I know I have more control than it seems so I'm trying to make this a beautiful day.
Thanks again for stopping by, I'll be sure to come by and see you too, again.
posted by
brianne_amai
on September 4, 2007 at 9:53 AM
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posted by
_dave_says_ack_
on September 4, 2007 at 3:41 AM
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Now I remember! You are me, at your age...only, you're an amazing
poet. I was just a wanna-be and didn't put enough of my heart in it. You are also far more mature at learning love than I was. Matter of fact it reads as if you've already learned something that I just learned...pushing 50 years. That's called a forward momentum dear, rather like dog years; once you hit the 50 mark, every year is seven! Ha! I'm just joking, most the time I feel 60, I mean 16!
Anyhoo...boy, I wrote stuff about sucide and believe you me, I certainly prayed to God to end my misery, oh so many times. I was miserable where it came to love and I did the most damaging things of all....I settled! I wanted someone to love me so badly in return I married the first man who asked me (although his 23 inch biceps helped considerably), and did the same when the second man asked me (oh, yes of course after the first divorce), because he was Latin, gorgeous and seduced me....and of course THAT was love!
I never chose any man for myself. I was so caught up in considering myself unloveable, I never took the time to even consider what I WANTED from any man! It's taken nearly 50 years for me to figure that one out! I feel very foolish. You are obviously well on your way to this understanding already from the read of that poem regarding learning love. Boy, I wished I was where you've grown to at your age, would have saved myself a lot of years of painful misery! You go girlfriend! I'll be bock! 
posted by
roadscross
on September 2, 2007 at 10:20 PM
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Very good work...
posted by
teddypoet_TheGoodByeFade
on September 2, 2007 at 10:13 PM
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First of all, your profile is amazing and I love your nickname. It is very
girly and pretty. Secondly, welcome! Thirdly...I forgot what I was going to say......oh, yes, your poetry...excuse me, I've got to go back a read a little more. Excuse me.
posted by
roadscross
on September 2, 2007 at 10:10 PM
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posted by
Amanda__
on September 2, 2007 at 6:14 PM
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