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NO, absolutely not.
If she's not a minor, then her parents should butt out, shut up, and accept her choice of life partner. What I am trying to say is that a couple ought to think very hard about ALL of the implications of marrying outside of their race/culture because sometimes the issues which seem so trivial at first can build into something really gargantuan and horrendous. Too many people jump into a marriage without thoroughly thinking through things like how they will deal with bigoted cretins who are mean to "half-breed" kids, how they will deal with people who are disrespectful to them because they married someone of another race, conflicting holidays and customs (like, what do you do if your feast day falls on your spouse's fast day?!), and the like.
posted by
editormum
on July 26, 2004 at 5:31 PM
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my students
I teach at a local college. One of my students was Jewish, One a Perto Rican Catholic. They loved each other very much. Her parents were dead set against the relationship. They sent her to Arizona against her wishes and had a funeral for when she came back to be with him. They getting married in October. Her parents won't come to the wedding and probably won't ever meet there grandkids. Are you telling me it's better to act like that rather than let your daughter marry her true love? And to go through that much adversity it must be love, not lust. I can see their kids going to both houses of worship, celebrating both sets of holidays, and having 2 loving and in love parents.
posted by
cripfemme
on July 24, 2004 at 6:32 PM
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Hey, I didn't say they CAN'T work...
I said they are a bad idea. Difference. If two people are willing to face things squarely and work out the problems and conflicts without resorting to nastiness, even an atheist and a Southern Baptist can make it.
My point was that most people do not take this kind of time to really examine the implications of their choices in this area, or they let love make them think that "it will all work out." It doesn't work out on its own. The couple has to make it work. And I hope my article will make people think.
posted by
editormum
on November 5, 2003 at 4:35 PM
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thanks
thank you for the reassurance.....JB
posted by
Joe-Bastard
on November 5, 2003 at 2:58 PM
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Most agnostics have beliefs -
just not beliefs tied to religion. They can still have moral. political, ethical beliefs
posted by
beachbelle
on November 5, 2003 at 2:32 AM
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mixed marriages
Some thoughts:
Matalin and Carville, Cokie and Steve, and others (folks that I know) seem to succeed at their marriages.
The most common non-mixed marriage in the USA today is between two agnostics. How can it be that folks who have no beliefs would have a greater chance of having a successful marriage? That begs a question. What is a successful marriage? No sense in marrying these days for the tax dodge. Isn't it all about kids? Without beliefs what do they do for our society? Maybe better for them to have to endure the stress of competitive evaluation of Mom's and Dad's earnestly held beliefs, and chose their own, than grow up in the morass of me-first, non-belief.
Ones that fail at marriage fail because they let go of their commitment to accomodate the other. Big generality, that. But true, no? But if you start with a big commitment, and try every day to honor it, won't you gradually get better at it?
All that said, having just watched a priest and a rabbi jointly witness at a wedding, I have to admit that I know what you mean.
i-oaf
posted by
i-oaf
on November 5, 2003 at 2:28 AM
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editormum:
Interesting. I tend to agree with Cynthia here, in that I certainly think people of different faiths and views can get together and make it work - problems arise if individuals allow them to, or from outside influences. And, of course, these problems usually do occur. The boy and the family are the problems in my student's case. She would be fine marrying a man of a different faith, and possibly her family could even accept it; the fact that her boyfriend wants her to convert is the real issue - the imposition of another's belief system. It's a complicated issue, and one with no easy answers. Excellent post, editormum; thanks for pointing me to it :)
posted by
WonkyWordsMistress
on October 29, 2003 at 8:02 AM
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Another Well-Written Post, I'll Give You That
But I am offended by it. I'm not saying this as a slam, though. This is the kind of post that gets me thinking, and gets my blood boiling enough for me to get up off my ass and write a response, and that is a GOOD thing. So thanks. But let me tell you why I completely disagree with you.
You make several assumptions that, when not examined, make your argument seem like cheddar cheese- but when they are examined, turn the argument into something more like Swiss (cheese).
For example, you say that parents of different faiths either let their kids decide, or that they choose one religioin for their kids (leaving the other parent feeling bad about the kids not sharing their childhood traditions, faith heritage, etc.). The reality is that there are lots of other solutions to this issue. Here is one: you do choose one religion for the family as a whole to participate in. So the kid has a primary religious identity. But you teach the kid that the other religion is also part of their heritage too. And you focus on the commonalities between these religions.
Jeez. I mean, the way you seem to want it, everyone is going to get all inbred. It's GOOD to spread out the gene pool.
posted by
Yoleo
on October 29, 2003 at 6:30 AM
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well, editormum, you wrote for comments and you're getting them.
My family is full of many religious mixes and everyone is just fine and happily married still over forty years later, or more.......and their kids believe in important things and follow their hearts and their parents don't pull them in either direction, only instruct and teach and then leave them to choose and they have all chosen something, something good and fine and wonderful.
This subject is a controversial one and fire filled. Are we having fun yet?
posted by
benzinha
on October 28, 2003 at 10:38 PM
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Why, thank you!
I do like being called irrational just because I choose to believe that there is a Higher Power who set the Universe in motion.
You seem to be an intellignet person. Surely you can find a better argument against my thesis than simply insulting persons who believe differently than you do?
posted by
editormum
on October 28, 2003 at 9:29 PM
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I totally disagree
Two people with opposite views, whether in religion
or politics (see James Carvel and Mary Matalin) can
get along and love each other if they have other qualities,
like being really smart and rational, but then that leaves
out religion all together as religious belief has nothing
to do with being rational, therefore, you ARE right!
Religious believers are totally irrational, you can
not reason with them so there is no way of dealing
with disagreements. They are always right. When you have two
people living together who thinks they are both always right
(GOD IS ON THEIR SIDE!) the relationship is doomed.
posted by
Cynthia
on October 28, 2003 at 6:31 PM
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Same World
Tell your sons to go in and do their business at the upright urinal if they can reach it...if not tell them to make sure they lock the stall when they are in there. The guys that have approached me in the restrooms were ordinary yet older men that could have been your insurance agent or "preacher" for that matter. I am not certain that its young boys they are interested in just men who are interested in them......dont let your sons stay in there too long....JB
posted by
Joe-Bastard
on October 28, 2003 at 2:52 PM
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From Bunny
"It won't seem to matter at the time. "We'll let the children choose what they want to be." The problem is that when the children come along, all of a sudden each parent realizes how much the childhood traditions of their faith mean to them, and how much they want their children to follow in the traditions that they grew up in. "
Or this will happen: the children will grow up with no real spiritual grounding. They will know the history and practices of the two religions, but they won't absorb either one in a real way. Of course, in the cases of many marriages between people of different religions, often at least one parent is a member of that religion in name only. However, this doesn't mean that parent is thrilled about their kids being gung-ho participants in their spouse's religion. Sometimes people belong to a religion in name only because they're not thrilled with any religion.
And this also happens: The parents teach the children nothing, thinking that the children will just "choose when they get older," and then wonder why the kids have chosen to join something both of them consider wildly inappropriate.
I am a strong believer in sharing your personal spiritual beliefs with your kids so they know what you believe and what you stand for. This holds true if you are an atheist, and agnostic, a deist, a generalized new age person or "force of the universe" person as well as if you are a member of a standard organized religion.
posted by
Bunny
on October 28, 2003 at 11:06 AM
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i agree
http://www.bloggingnetwork.com/Blogs/Blog.aspx/curiouskitty/
that kinda explains my feelings toward the whole thing
posted by
JustJilly
on October 28, 2003 at 10:28 AM
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Editormum
My thoughts exactly
posted by
Inkling
on October 28, 2003 at 9:10 AM
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