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What I do usually, is to write my poem; read it and rewrite. If you sleep on your thoughts, you get other thoughts.
In my experience, the later expressions are usually better that the first. Again, I try to make the last line very gripping and to leave the reader imagining, thinking. It is not very easy to do, but with practice it works.
Try and read Kipling's If or Frost's The Road Not Taken. See how they have you questioning their thoughts. Sometimes one line seems to contradict the other. These are just two examples of many.
Don't doubt your capabilities. Just Do It. It will come to you.
posted by
EX_TURPI
on July 19, 2008 at 12:16 PM
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Since you asked...Heart of the Night City
I don't normally provide detailed critiques and suggestions unless asked, but you did so here goes: I don't get an impression that it's unfinished, but the only one who can answer that is you. We weren't there. If there's more to tell us, fine. If not, I don't think you have an unfinished product. My humble opinion is that you're struggling with pacing. Sometimes, I will create another document with the same words in longer or shorter sentences. If you've constructed the concept well (and I think you have) then it should still read well. It will force you mentally into a different reading pace, slower or faster, and may change how you think and feel about what you've written. Something else that may make you more comfortable with the repeated line is to provide a space before it to give the reader a mental pause.
As far as the ending goes, what jumps out at me is the San Franciscan ground. Were you intent on naming the city, because the rest of the poem didn't necessarily feel that way to me. If it WAS your intent, I think it still works fine. It's possible I'm falling back on my own personal habit of leaving things a bit more ambiguous for the viewer to apply what they've read to their own experiences. Until you mention San Francisco, this urban wasteland that you've described could be a part of any of our lives. Upon the naming of the city, you've taken the viewer to a very specific place in your memories. I guess the question is whether or not you want the viewer to connect more personally with the emotions you've described or to bring them into a picture you've painted of San Francisco at night.
My two cents...I'll go read Riversong now...
- Chris
posted by
Marineair
on July 18, 2008 at 5:35 PM
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Picturesque !
posted by
afzal50
on July 18, 2008 at 5:46 AM
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I appreciate the way it developed in the end
posted by
Kayzzaman
on July 18, 2008 at 4:21 AM
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