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Re:
Elinjo, check your
posted by
myrrhage_
on October 14, 2009 at 1:55 PM
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Elinjo, this seemed as good a place as any to pop in and catch up with you, and I'm glad I did. It's a very sweet story. The only part I struggled with is figuring out who is who. I put it together later on, but would have like to have it established from the start.
This will be fun to watch develop, so I'll keep reading. I say keep it up! A writer's pen kept idle will eventually gum up.
posted by
myrrhage_
on October 14, 2009 at 10:00 AM
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I like this! I am forever rewriting an clarifying! I think that is when I am happiest in writing! Shelly
posted by
sam444
on October 12, 2009 at 6:06 PM
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I guess I am behind times as I saw the one written today but hadnt seen this one so I am catching up, so far so good
posted by
Lanetay
on October 12, 2009 at 9:16 AM
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Okay, I'm going to read the next one...this is good ~ but I see you are going to make some changes. I like the imagery - and I feel the bond of love between them ~
Write on~ Elyse
posted by
elysianfields
on October 11, 2009 at 10:32 PM
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Re: Which first person is this?
It's an adult reminiscing about his childhood. It's confusing and I'm going to rewrite it. That's why honest feedback is so useful; thank you very much.
posted by
elinjo
on October 11, 2009 at 8:56 PM
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Re: wileyJohn. children's book.
I doubt whether this story will be suitable for children.
Thanks for the kind response.
posted by
elinjo
on October 11, 2009 at 8:47 PM
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Enjoyable
Betty an enjoyable story and I'm waiting for more. As mentioned, some of the dialogue gets a little confusing as to who is speaking; although it reads realistically. Keep at it. I too are glad to see that you've returned to writing stories. I also enjoy writing fiction - as you know - and like you, welcome honest feedback. Keep smiling.
posted by
Hackthorne19
on October 11, 2009 at 7:50 PM
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Well Grandma who loves and leaves..lol(that was cute) this story is one I will follow through as much as I can. My Grandma just for info was a tyrant and everything had to be done the right way or it was the highway for us..Gosh!
posted by
shobana
on October 11, 2009 at 7:27 PM
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I loved the part where she told him she was going to 'love him and leave him', that was adorable....and the splashing in the mudpuddles. Don't we all wish we had Grannies like that!!!
posted by
Darson
on October 11, 2009 at 6:56 PM
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Which first person is this?
Kid speaking as a kid, adult reminiscing as a kid, or straight reminiscence? Seems to waver between.
posted by
majroj
on October 11, 2009 at 4:28 PM
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For me it's always hard and challenging to get back to writing fiction after a lay-off, but you did extremely good and I enjoyed reading this
posted by
Aspire2Inspire
on October 11, 2009 at 4:08 PM
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I really enjoyed this. The characters are very realistic, I feel.
posted by
FormerStudentIntern
on October 11, 2009 at 3:49 PM
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Elinjo
Well written and stirred up memories of childhood, will make a great children's book when you're done.
posted by
WileyJohn
on October 11, 2009 at 12:54 PM
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Re: Northsage 45. opinions on story writing,
Well, one thing is sure, I appreciate that you took time to write your kind and supportive comment. This post was a first draft and I've already decided after getting some very sound feedback that I'm going to have to re-write it later on this week. I'll post the 2nd part of the story tomorrow. Thank you very much.
posted by
elinjo
on October 11, 2009 at 11:03 AM
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Re: Elinjo
I really appreciated your mail and valued your frank criticism. I am going to re-write this opening in the 3rd person, because readers get confused between Simon at 3+ and Simon as an adult. Here's wishing you and other Canadian friends a wonderful Thanksgiving Day.
posted by
elinjo
on October 11, 2009 at 10:52 AM
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well you made me feel emotions frustration anger so I believe it is good.
I would read this and enjoy it through to the end I am sure.
posted by
Kabu
on October 11, 2009 at 10:39 AM
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Betty, I'm glad you're back with stories! Am going to catch up with your earlier posts now!
posted by
Nita09
on October 11, 2009 at 9:20 AM
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Elinjo
LOL, a slightly spoiled brat and his granny - I'd like to see how this continues. I have also sent you
...
posted by
Nautikos
on October 11, 2009 at 8:53 AM
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Your short story feedback.
Elinjo,
As I began reading, I was taken aback that the narrator of the story is a five-year old boy, but further along, I figured out that it was an adult/hero narrator, remembering a pivitol, formative moment of his past. I am a patient reader, and have stuck with several very LONG, DRY, books at least halfway through them, before giving up on the rest of it. I am confident that I would read this story all the way to the end, and wish that it was longer. You are doing very well, so far.
When I contemplate writing a short story or a novel, I struggle with creating an opening page that hooks the audience immediately, because I assume that like me, many readers check out the first page of something that they are considering buying. If the first page doesn't catch me, it goes right back on the rack.
If you submit your composition to an editor who thinks that there could be a better opening, well, that is an editor's job, it is how they make a living. Editors want to improve upon all manuscripts that they read, whether it needs improving or not. In the final analysis, you must decide to change anything, or leave it as it was submitted.
I haven't published anything but a couple of poems in Colorado's Central City Register Call, back about 1970, and the only reason that those were published, was that I knew their editorial columnist ("Yukon Jack Skully") who was one of those newspapermen who never entirely lost his powerful thirst, and didn't feel like writing anything that particular day. I mention this, because I want you to know that you ought to give my opinions on story writing, the gravitas that it deserves, almost NONE.
Guy
posted by
northsage_45
on October 11, 2009 at 8:46 AM
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Re: Your writing gets us right to the scene. Frankly, I wanted to pick
This is about a very gentle granny, who does not believe in kicking back.
posted by
elinjo
on October 11, 2009 at 7:56 AM
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Your writing gets us right to the scene. Frankly, I wanted to pick
up the little monster and paddle him for kicking grandma. If he's grown up enough to go to school, (or pre-school) he's too old to be throwing baby fits. And grandma ignored this? Rewarded him? eww...
posted by
Pat_B
on October 11, 2009 at 7:44 AM
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This is a good read. Although I had an inkling of what was coming, it still caught me and I felt the shock. Lokking forward to reading more.
posted by
Rockingrector_retd
on October 11, 2009 at 7:42 AM
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Elinjo
I enjoyed the read… looking back on the two consecutive Wednesdays aught to be interesting….
posted by
Troosha
on October 11, 2009 at 7:41 AM
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Re: Vogue
Thanks for your feedback Vogue. No, you are certainly not stupid, nor is this the end of the story. 15 years afterwards Simon is looking back on what happened on those two consecutive Wednesdays.
posted by
elinjo
on October 11, 2009 at 6:18 AM
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Simon says...
keep writing!
It's coming along nicely... The setting and primary characters are established. I have the impression that Simon the adult is recalling what it was to be and perceive as Simon the child, with the benefit of being able to weave into the telling of the story the details, processes, words and acts of significance that a little child wouldn't take note of, but an adult would.
posted by
Ciel
on October 11, 2009 at 6:17 AM
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Betty, am I stupid or what? This is the
first part of the story you said? Sounds to me like a befitting end, or has grandma not gone to Mars? So much fine humour in this story. you know the secret of: "show, don't tell".
posted by
vogue
on October 11, 2009 at 6:10 AM
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