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While I know how terrible the pain you have endured must be,
I think the fact that your husband was willing to put this woman out of his life and work on your marriage (at least that is what I have gotten from this post) is a very good thing.
I know that trust can be difficult after such an experience, but at least this man seems to care enough about you to not continue a behavior that causes such deep pain.
We are all just human, and temptation occurs and things happen. Having two people who want to make things work is crucial in a situation such as this... and it seems that you have that.
I will keep reading.
posted by
Afzal_Sunny7
on July 14, 2011 at 11:26 PM
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Re: Re: I understand the pain you are writing about.
Butterfly, I have been hurt so many times, from early childhood, so many betrayals of expectation and trust, I am a poster-child for Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder! It is not always a question of whether one can stay with the betrayer, as in adultery. It is more a matter of can one stay with a relationship, rather than staying physically beside that person. Sometimes, to keep faith with the connection you have with another, you have to physically back off, and let change happen.
And yes, that being so, I have stayed with most of the relationships that hurt me: my father, I never gave up believing in; others I have loved, I still love, still interact with: relationships changed, but held.
In a situation like yours, the relationship must change from trusting wife with faithful husband to wiser wife of unfaithful husband. Maybe further, to wiser woman of an incapable-of-faithfulness man. By being realistic about who he is, you can keep faith with the relationship and with him as a human being who is not perfect. You can move from a false relationship, living a lie, to a real one, acknowledging what is true and behaving consistantly with truth.
I learned this from the alcoholic in my life: I did not have to stop loving him: I just had to stop letting him hurt me. This meant creating actual, physical distance. I did not have to abandon him emotionally, I am still his friend, 20 years later, though he has never been capable for more than a few moments at a time, of being mine. So be it. We are who we are. The love was never at risk. But I could not live with him and remain whole.
posted by
Ciel
on July 13, 2011 at 10:10 AM
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Re: I understand the pain you are writing about.
I know there are many out there on Blogit who have gone through much more suffering than I have. But just being able to share my hurt with someone else gives me comfort for I have not been able to talk about it with even my best friend. Every time I see someone in the news who has been betrayed, I feel for them but I know that there was a purpose in all of this for me and that God continues to bless me even in my hurt and suffering. It has brought me back to God in a much more spiritual way. When you go to the bottom, you must look up and that's what has kept me going and staying here. My God says to perservere and finish the race and to expect suffering in this world. I have learned much from reading His Word now. Yes, I am also grateful for my family and that they are all healthy and doing well. Your comment is encouraging and I appreciate it greatly. One question... did you stay with the one who hurt you? I have many books that God led me to and one is called, "Don't Waste your Sorrows" by Paul E. Billheimer. Excellent book and one of several that God led me to so that I can share them with you and others. Thanks again.
posted by
Butterfly-1950
on July 12, 2011 at 5:06 PM
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I understand the pain you are writing about.
I find some relief from pain of my own by remembering that a lot of people in the world have it a million times worse than I do. My heart aches, it fractures and it has been broken more than once. But my house still stands, my children are all alive and fine, there is no war or famine or tornado bearing down on my life, no earthquake to destroy all I look to for security and stability. In my heart, maybe... but not in the life I am living.
So I cannot in good conscience, complain.
posted by
Ciel
on July 12, 2011 at 4:08 PM
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