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My mother has no structure.. never did, never will. It drove my dad bananas, and at 82, she won't change now.
posted by
mneme
on May 19, 2013 at 8:25 AM
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jeansaw
Structure is a good thing. A person whose thinking is not clear will attempt to have other people provide structure for them directly and indirectly. It becomes a real problem when they are unable to separate from another and use them for their source of structure. It is tiring for those who must or cannot resist providing structure.
I apologize for the confusion. It is disturbing to those who feel they have a shadow person walking around in there shadow for comfort and safety.
posted by
Dr_JPT
on May 15, 2013 at 5:07 PM
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sorry i find all this very confusing
i thought structure was a good thing, that children especially need it. i am not sure when it turns into a bad thing. is it when a person cannot function without someone doing everything for them? and then you all it co-dependence? and what would a person get out of doing everything for someone else except tired?
posted by
jeansaw
on May 15, 2013 at 12:37 PM
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Quite right!
Order, regularity and structure sometimes make it possible for the mentally ill to lead a virtually normal life...
posted by
Nautikos
on May 14, 2013 at 7:13 PM
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Mentally ill people need guidance and structure to make it. And so true, there should be boundaries for the people who carry them.
posted by
mariss9
on May 14, 2013 at 8:04 AM
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Thanks for your insight. I agree about structure.
posted by
julynn
on May 14, 2013 at 2:16 AM
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BC-A
Yes, along with patience and endurance. :-)
posted by
Dr_JPT
on May 13, 2013 at 10:25 PM
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Katray2
Well said especially about religion. In my experience many feel the belief in a higher power can and will excuse, justify, explain and change a mental illness. It cannot and often the person becomes more disturbed. Conversely some feel that mental health counseling is evil and of the devil. Those appear mentally ill to me.
posted by
Dr_JPT
on May 13, 2013 at 10:23 PM
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MsJudy
My heart is with you! I agree totally that we do what we must for their safety and protection, along with ours. My Mom is the one I must deal with most often and it is a challenge when a Mom wants to be the daughter of her daughter. I have had to show her that it is not happening.
posted by
Dr_JPT
on May 13, 2013 at 10:18 PM
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JimmyA
Thanks for sharing. I have been hurt by many in my family. It is as though they are the only ones around. Your wife did the right thing to put the niece out. Unless it is own child, let them wreak havoc elsewhere until they get into an institution.
posted by
Dr_JPT
on May 13, 2013 at 10:13 PM
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Very interesting and well written...
I wish more people would understand that mental illness is just that - an illness of the mind that can be no more managed by the afflicted on their own w/o care, therapy and/or medication than can physical diseases. You can't "grow up" out of it or expect a religion or a marriage, career, school, hobby, etc. to fix it. I have a couple of friends who have bi-polar and untreated the results are often devastating and yes, tragic...Thank you for sharing.
posted by
Katray2
on May 13, 2013 at 7:18 PM
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MENTAL ILLNESS & STRUCTURE
I agree and definitely understand, my son was diagnosed with Affective Schizophrenic Bipolar type, and he does not think or act like the normal average person. I have to manage his finances as he is not able to do that due to the Manic episodes. He constantly thinks he no longer needs his meds and at his adult age it is hard to control that issue. He is 45 yrs old, and it has been a long hard road. But you love your children so you do what has to be done no matter what age they are.
posted by
MsJudy
on May 13, 2013 at 12:53 PM
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I agree completely, and understand completely. My wife went through that exact scenario with her niece a few years ago. She was ( is ) extremely selfish and inconsiderate, and my wife bent over backwards to try to accommodate her after her mother ( my wife's sister ) threw her out. For ten years my poor wife did all she could to help this girl out and put her on the path to maturity and independence, and all she did in return was use, abuse, and take advantage of my wife. Then, when my wife couldn't take it anymore and finally asked her to leave ( primarily because we were getting married and I was moving into her house ), she took off in a huff as if my wife had done something wrong! Now she just travels around the country, nothing more than a wandering gypsy, no goals, no direction, no contact with my wife whatsoever, showing her immaturity, insensitivity and lack of gratitude! My wife is one of the nicest people you will ever meet, and would do absolutely anything for anyone, especially a family member. Her niece's attitude and "break off" hurt her deeply, but I guess some people are just like that. By the way, my wife's niece is 31 . . . she's not a little kid! 
posted by
JimmyA
on May 13, 2013 at 5:30 AM
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Dr JPT
RI guess that it’s respect and understanding love. BC-A, Bill’s R®stj
posted by
BC-A
on May 13, 2013 at 4:41 AM
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WileyJohn
I am Dr. T. I had to change my name due to a blogger. That person started calling me a quack, was vulgar and insulting. I had to report the person. It took a while before his membership was revoked. He was profane, questioning and challenging beyond normal. Then I forgot my screen name, attempted to change it in less than the allowed time.
I am happy to be back. So many in my family and in-laws suffer from this disorder. I believe I was led to study this so that I could help my family. It is difficult when the hostility surfaces out of the oppositional factor to authority or experts. Both my daughters-in-law suffer in this manner and have verbally attacked me while wanting to be my best bud.
posted by
Dr_JPT
on May 12, 2013 at 11:29 PM
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Dr JPT
This really reached me because I have lived that scenario, but couldn't really have put it in to words as you have done here. I wonder if you wrote here at another time as a Dr. T, she belonged here too and it disturbed me when she left. Thanks for writing here.
posted by
WileyJohn
on May 12, 2013 at 8:24 PM
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Mia890
I know exactly what you mean. My sister-in-law was like that. It was disturbing to watch. When my brother started geting out she became abusive toward me. When it did not work, she sent her daughters. That did not work. Tomorrow the divorce settlement will be discussed and in about a month it will be final. She must attach herself elsewhere.
posted by
Dr_JPT
on May 12, 2013 at 3:45 PM
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CCT
The truth is the truth!
posted by
Dr_JPT
on May 12, 2013 at 3:38 PM
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Interesting
My sister-in-law is the most severely co-dependant person I've ever met; she simply can not function unless her husband is there. It's a sad situation, and one that frustrates me if I spend too much time thinking about it.
Great post
posted by
Mia890
on May 12, 2013 at 12:59 PM
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Sadly there is quite a thin veneer between reality and fantasy, it does appear that if one likes something it becomes in ones own mind permissible. Dependency on another person is a way of easing one's own pain and problems without thought of the outcome.
Sorry D J . just doodling.
posted by
C_C_T
on May 12, 2013 at 12:09 PM
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FormerStudentIntern
Very true. My focus is on the individuals who use other people to provide structure for them while they are grown and not on a paying job! That is unusual.
posted by
Dr_JPT
on May 12, 2013 at 10:16 AM
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A structure is an integral part to many of our lives...A very interesting read.
posted by
FormerStudentIntern
on May 12, 2013 at 9:44 AM
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